The Story of the Gracious Failure

Why am I always the mediator??? Always, ever since I was a wee child.... I really don't mind, I like for people to feel as though they can confide in me, but I can't make everyone's freaking life decisions for them. I can tell you my opinion, but it ends there! Also, I offer no official handbooks to my friend's and roommates, I've yet to write them, it'll take me awhile.

I'm realaxing mostly for the rest of the day to let my heartrate drop to it's normal level. I spent all day yesterday staring at my math book, but managed to complete 15 assignments before my test today. Well, let's be honest, by the end I was basically frantically copying. But the test is over and that's realieving. Even if the grade is an F. (I'm sinking like a puppy dog in trouble) I was talking to Karalee last night from New York as she was on a train on her way to Manhatten to take class from Ray Leaper... damn her... I was telling her that the main reason for me even to be worrying about finishing the assignments at that point was to spare myself the embarissment of having my teacher inquire as to where the missing assignments were. I was trying to find the best way do go down with the little dignity I've got left. You know like all the men standing around with their pocket watches in suits on the movie Titanic? They knew they were going to die, the ship was sinking, so they put on their best face and went out as respectively as they knew how. I decided just to finish out the semiester, do the best I could, study for the final and give it my best shot. Hopefully this will lessen the sickening feeling in my stomach as I discover my "unexpected" failure.

I cannot believe November is over. This leaves us with nothing but hustle and bustle, lights, cheer, all that good stuff til the end of the year. ps, I'm 3 weeks away from being face to face with my best friend in the whole world... I've got lots to look forward to, but this also leaves me having to make decisions about life which I hate. My motto is procrastination through and through.

Also, I've become a victim morningism. You know, morning people have it. I think my medication is the culprit. Either way it's disrupting my life and forcing my body to thrive on the precious three and half hours of sleep a night. Is that even enough to finish a REM cycle. Maybe I'll blame my "new found" failure in school on this. (Fingers tapping...) Yeeessss, good plan.

Song: Out Hud, How Long (i think I'll check for sure, track 6)

I finally found it at Borders two days ago. Chris is responsible for this one. It's so fun and goes right along with our jerky 80's moves. Put it on and dance your ass off!!!

Musical love affair

I feel I've been extremely neglectful if that's a word to my blog...

It's early on Thanksgivng day. In twelve hours, all the festivities begin, drat. I'm not going to lie, Thanksgiving is not as cool as it's made out to be.

Things worthy of making note of the last week and a half:

Mon. November 15, Spoon!!! Great show if there ever was one. They had the best fake Red Bulls ever!! I was standing front row right in front of the base player, so great!!!! Shows are still the all-time enjoyment of my life.

Thurs. One of the funnest 80's dancing extravaganzas yet!! Why? I don't know if I was really hyper or just really desperate for attention but we were out of control and there were tons of fun people there.... good times.

Hmmm... Does that bring us to this past Mon? Damon came down at noon and within the 15 hours he spent down here, we managed to do just about everything we love most twice. I'm being quite serious. Chili's, movies (Harry Potter, really great) Mall, other mall, Winger's, two music stores, coldstone, other mall... Ended up at Chris' and we got into long conversation about our lifelong problems. Perfect bloated day, I'd say.

Last night's 80's experience was up there too. Although there weren't as many people celebrating the 80's we all had a blast and were extremely hyper. Which brought us to gilgal and LDS hospital. I'll leave it, you were there.

White-trash cowboys drive my petulant demeanor.... I think anyone that wanted to make my life miserable came to Los Hermanos. Keep your buck, I'm good. I'd rather save my energy for the dance floor.

I'm on my roommate's computer right now, you know when you have your itunes on shuffle in the background.... Indian Outlaw keeps popping up. And I can't seem to weed out the Deana Carter despite the fact that I've spent time putting so much of my music on here. It's wonderous to me how horrible of taste in music some people have. I guess that's bad to say, technically it's all just based on opinon right? I just know that Avril surely doesn't get me like Elliott does. It's hard to comprehend sometimes that the amazing music that enriches my life daily is not understood and heard as "cat noises" to most people. Family and friends laugh when I shove headphones in their ears and insist that this song will change their lives. Music really and truely changes my life!!! It shapes my opinions and extracts emotions, makes my mind turn for hours, expands my creativity, I could go on and on. It's something I crave at all hours of the day and night. It's built into me I know it. And I choose to run away and live happily ever after.

I cannot believe it's almost Christmas. I won't even let myself think about how much I have to do for it, or the lack of money to do so....

Song: Options, Pedro the Lion

We were walking, holding hands
With our bare feet in the sand
And the seagulls overhead
When I broke the spell and said

"I could never divorce you
Without a good reason
And though I may never have to
It's good to have options"

But for now, I need you
But for now, I need you
But for now, I need you

But it was only in my head
Because no one ever says
What they really mean to say
When there's so much at stake

So I told her I loved her
And she told me she loved me
And I mostly believed her
And she mostly believed me

Always have loved Pedro. I used to play Rapture on repeat on a daily basis. Lately I've been completely obesessed with this song. I listen to the lyrics over and over again. It's sheer brilliance I tell you, so simple but so true. It's dripping with this naked realism that you have to appreciate. So many people stay in relationships out of convenience and the comfort of having someone around which I completely understand. It's nice to have someone to report your day to and have them pretend to care, then you hug and kiss and do it all over again. Enough said, "But for NOW I need you......" Break away.

Me + Life = HELL

Why is it that constant frustration and anxietous hating of all things in my life bring me to blog... Is it my pessimistic nature? At one time in my life I remember not dwelling completely on all the shambles of my pitiful attempts at success. But for me at least, unfortune (or should we be honest and call it Karma... laziness... lack of ambition??) lead me to sit on my little red couch with a mug of tea and bitch to the world about my problems, meanwhile blatantly ingnoring any important obligations.

So, yes I go to David's house tonight to plead for help like a little begging puppy... After spending an hour and a half on the example questions alone for the chatper.1 I got this itchy nervous "get me the hell outta here and away from numbers" feeling and had to bail. The only thing I can compare it to is claustrophobia.... I couldn't stare at my math book for another second!!! Why is it that algebra has to be this disgusting trial that weighs on my conscience and tests my patience to the point that just thinking about it makes me cringe and chunks start rising in my throat? For some reason I just don't get it!!! It doesn't matter how many times it's explained to me. And I'm getting to the point of realization that I may just be sitting in a fourth semester of math 1010. Either that or in a foreign country sewing things for pennies a day. But even then, they might kick me out for shatty craftmanship, then I will go live with the wolves. And after getting kicked out of the pack for lack of hunting skills I'll decide to sell my organs off for large amounts of money that will be donated to cancer victims. Who'll then make a giant statue of me in rememberance for my good deeds.... The statue will get vandalized and crapped on by birds... Oh gosh, I hate birds and this proves that there is no way to win in life. Give up now.

Song: Heartbeat, Annie

I downloaded this song because of a friend named Francesco.... (a man completely infatuated with my dear soulmate Rachel) It's just fun and talks about dancing, lately just keeps my mind off real life and focused on the joys in life, dancing, music, friends etc.... All that cheesy stuff.
Oh yes, and my racing, pounding heart!!! Due to all the blasted medication I'm stuck on!!!

Famous Amos

For all of those who let the thought of attending the Amos Lee show with Damon and I last night sift right through your brain, please start regretting it now!! It's insane how happy going to shows makes me. His flawless voice mixed perfectly with the sight of his sharply cut jaw and put me straight into a state of complete bliss. Nevermind the smoky atmosphere filled with ridiculous looking old people. Would have changed your lives... Too bad.

You also didn't get a chance to experience the Karyoke with dancing asians, ooooorrrrrrr, your favorite, the night life of all of the fabulous skinny men in makeup at Trapp Door. No worries, I will make sure you are present next time!!! No, honestly though it was an interesting but delicious evening with D. After driving home completely worn out smelling like an ashtray, I stopped at one of my boys' houses (meaning really close friend, harmless) and we got in his hot tub, which topped the evening off perfectly.

Song: Amos Lee, Arms of a Woman

Is that okay with you? Two days in a row, yes!!! It's that moving. Highlight of the evening, when he hit that high note at the end of the song. What are the chances of Mr. Amos dating me?

No-men-ber

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but everyone around me is hooking up!! I find this unacceptable for 3 reasons. 1. Lack of people to complain about my lack of boys 2. With all of these perfect relationships, again I lack understanding of my insignificant boy problems. 3. It makes me confused as to if I really want a boy or not, I sort of like not liking boys. People are trying to tell me that I need one. Love in the air is just a big fat reminder of how undesirable I am and how little I have to offer. On a happy note, for the most part I really like all of the men my girlys have been choosing. Back to my bitter self... My roommate is talking about her crush, I've heard about him non-stop for like three days straight. I'm done. I've sat still for long enough. I should be rewarded with a treat.

Is it wrong to want some random person to just come across you, think you're fabulous and everything is perfect without having to lift a finger? I remember at one time thinking I was really something, but as I grow older and wiser I realize how taxing dating can get. Not that I date or anything, jease I'm way too tired to put forth any sort of effort which is probably the root of my problems.

As for real life, I mistakenly called my mother this morning for sympathy and advice, instead I got the beginnings of a lecture. I don't remember the last time I spoke with the woman without regretting it afterward... While I hate this, I've long since come to terms with the fact that we will never have the sort of relationship where I feel as though I can tell her things without being judged afterward. We are most definately complete opposites. What can you do? I can't begin to place importance on what she lectures me about when she presumes to be completely closed minded about my life's passions. So sure that she's got everything right, the makings of happiness. While I don't disreguard these things completely, I can't drop the things that really make me the happiest. As for my dad, unless it's about my car or a mail-in rebate, we don't speak....

Song: Amos Lee, Arms of a Woman

"I am at ease in the arms of a woman, although now, most of my days I spend alone." I liked having a boyfriend at one time. I got a really great acoustic version of this song. His show is on Saturday!!!