Ms Puppeteer

Thus far, in my 21 years of life...3 and a half years of adulthood, one thing I'm sure I know about myself with no questions is the plain and simple fact that I'm not a faker. It's really no big deal, but it's come to my attention lately as I've attempted the task at putting on a front that doesn't belong to me. I plead guilty and know that I'm not pulling it off.... everyone knows.

For those who are confused, let me illuminate a few things for you. There are huge differences (in my head) in being fake and pretending. I live my life in a make believe world, no secret there. I pretend to live lavishly, having money to burn and throwing out the most expensive cheese. I like to pretend I know a thing or two about life, money and decorating. I advise at the sight of tears and struggle like I know all, and am sure of the outcome. Correct judgment is placed within seconds of our meeting. It's completely necessary to own a stiletto in EVERY color. In my make believe world, less effort is more attractive..... the more unmatched, the better match is born...... and I'm seen to be unique and perfectly myself rather than lazy. Leave me in my world I beg! I'm happy and safe there.

The reality that's been processing inside me is the fact that I can't fake a thing! I make my judgments with the most blunt expressions, I wear it all on my face and it's apparent by my actions. I can't hold back, I say what's in my head without thinking. It's like someone's controlling me like a robot....But it's my brain and innate emotions pressing the buttons. I've no choice but to obey and do as my master says....My master being...well me. This can be aggrivating!! What do I do when I need a cover up? When he need not know how bugged I actually am? Rather than play sweet, unbothered, understanding... my reflex vomiting bares all. I'm naked....and the drama unfolds. At the end of it all I usually just realize that most of the problems are problems that can be fixed on my own, in other words, it's all me!!

I'm stuck and wanna ditch my Master! Help........

The Haunting.... And Pleasantness

I wake up at almost exactly 7 am EVERY SINGLE MORNING.... I sit straight up, usually anxious and scattered, thinking I'm late for work. Sadly this is just an interruption to the hours left to come of dreams stark full of serving dissasters! I then wake up once more only to cringe once or twice before the bleach stained salsa infested Los Hermanos attire touches my body and stumble out the door, lucky if there is make up left from the day before. These haunting dreams, coupled with the monotony of my morning schedule leave me dissapointed frankly for the lameness of my subconscious mind. I can do way better than that!!! Is that what I'm left with? All this then brings me to think that I need new hobbies, seeing as I'm not quite ready to leave my amigos. Naturally I start to think what hobbies I already have.... I missed my blog I won't lie. My posts kinda became depressing even for me to read and I wasn't into it. April was a dark cloud of helplessness and unrelenting self pity... May was kicked off with an insanely entertaining trip to Vegas (where secrets ensue) Wezz!!... followed by the rediscovery of a skinny skater boy....Then a longing for a skinny skater boy while I was away in New York visiting no other than my puppy Karuh. Drag shows....shopping...eating....beach.....long talks.....sweaty nights....train rides.....cowboy boots....times tables.....kitchen dance parties....sailors and much much more!!! Now it's June the sixth month of the year 2006...

If rollercoasters weren't so cliche I'd go off on that tangent... but they are and it's completely obvious to those around me that I'm on top for now. Except the dreams and sleeping issues, but I've always had those. The leading cause being infatuation. I've learned in the last couple weeks that expecting a lot doesn't always lead to dissapointment and animosity. Sometimes people can be more than you expect.... a nice surprize that I feel I didn't really earn. I've been trying to do good deeds as pay back for the brown eyed dreamboat. Karma has played me a good hand for now and I'm content.... Except for all the nightmares of evil b word customers. It's summertime and I'm rusty. But most of all it's summertime.

Along the lines of Asian Tradition

So I've had lots of time to think lately due to the disownershipment..... And I know the root of all my problems!!! It's because I'm white. I decided that it would be heavenly to be asian and this is no joke. I've been noticing them like crazy around these parts lately, they're everywhere. Why, you ask would it be so great to be asian??? Many reasons. I think they are so adorable. I don't have any problems with be a petite mod girl with fashion instinct as a bonus. They're not required to know english and communicate civily, they get so excited about small things like the size of Taco Loco's..... and they get to hang around the bus stops all day doing nothing. Oh, and plus I'm sure they get free education. Suggest a better lifestyle. I wouldn't have to excercise or tan, and most seem like they've got really soft hair.

Why can't I just sit around and look cute all day and have this endearing mysteriousness going for me. I heart Asians as my new moto!

Not the four letter word LOVE

Love.... Ok let's talk about it. Since I have no one Valentine to claim and I plan on working my guts out on this very holiday I wanted to address a few of the many things I love and ultimatly make me happy! (even when I try my hardest to stay super emo...)

1. I bought myself a Valentine, the new Magnet album. I love Magnet with all of my heart and this one's a keeper!!
2. Music in general, I let it define who I am completely, I'm not exactly sure how healthy it is, but it's the truth.
3. Rachel, Lins and Kuch. These ladies hear more about my pathetic excuse for a life more than anyone!! They have no idea how much LOVE I have for them.
4. Love that my niece can say my name and has started to dance!! She's beautiful and I love her more than life.
5. I love my hot tub... For those who don't know what this is, when I put my couches together and they make the most comfortable movie watching spot EVER!!! Plus you can pile literally hundreds of bodies inside!
6. Love dancing!! 80's, in the studio whatever!!!
7. I love finding that perfect knock ya'lls socks off outfit that you feel great in, I love to find them in thrift stores more than that. Finding the perfect 5 dollar scarf is simply priceless and lights my life up!
8. Late night drives with the music
9. Swings all year round pretty much rock my world!
10. My DP addiction
11. Laying on the deck of a boat in the summer sun... With the music of course
12. A really satisfying meal!!
13. Red bulls at Area 51
14. When your art projects come together and everyone compliments them!
15. Waiting all day in suspense, then finally getting to hug and love someone!
16. Being deliciously ugly in public
17. Chai tea, and seafood!
18. Zany friends that remind you not to take life too seriously
19. Puppies, except weiner ones
20. Childhood memories! Even if they include me being tortured to tears
21. Movies that make you think, then have you pretending you're the lead character all week
22. Shows!!! More exclamations!! I love love love!!
23. Boots
24. Asian art
25. The feeling after working out!
26. Big tips when you don't expect them!
27. The turning of heads
28. The look on someones face when you give them a compliment!! Also, just really good compliments from people you respect
29. I love waking up without bad dreams in your head. Good ones I love more!
30. Glances from hot strangers across the room
31. Love laughing at all ya'll
32. Lazy summer pool days
33. Good deals, like when you go up to the counter and the shirt you have in your hand ended up being way cheaper than you expect.
34. Licking my teeth after brushing
35. MAC makeup
36. Clashing so much it ends up matching!
37. Whitty text messages
38. My ipod
39. Thinking of good memories!
40. Pictures that make you laugh for hours on end... (actually have)
41. Lyrics that make you cry
42. Daydreams
43. Stories
44. Perfect mixes
45. Drawings from Sacrament meeting
46. Handstands in church skirts
47. Dancing to crazy music whilst you get ready for the day... date, whatever!! I love more when Kuch is there too and we make everyone late!!

That should suffice for now. But there are millions more. Happy Valentine's day!!

Album: Magnet, The Tourniquet

Hearts!!

Caught

Conflict, for me at least usually leads me to a whole lot of self reflection. But when does your mind say "slow down, too much, you're wearing me out lady?!" I'll tell you when.... When you lay in bed (or hot tub) and turn on your music to try and distract you from your thoughts (knowing all too well that it only brings more to the surface, but you do it anyhow.) All of your favorite songs play and suddenly all of these beloved melodies you know as well as the back of your hand start mutating and having all these different meanings that you've never thought of before. All the things you've come to rely on play a giant prank on your sorry ass and leave you abandoned! Everything you are soooo sure of begins to smudge.... then smear. And you're not sure of anything or anyone anymore and despite the sleeping pills you're left to plan a whole new life for yourself! It's exhausting!

I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.

Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams

"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."

I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...

.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.

Leave it to Luck

I've recently been going through this mid-life (assuming I only live til I'm 50ish) creativity crisis!! This wave of panic has preceeded a week of posing and basically me being a huge artistic wannabe. Since then I've shoved a bunch of stuff in a decorative birdcage and have insisted that it's genius while my roommate just stares and proclaims that it looks terribly out of place, says she doesn't get it... Also I'm pretty sure that I stopped myself from spending 60 dollars on tiny frames today. What has gotten into me? I'm loosing a sense of self worth I think. And as I was shoving old dirty window frames coated in leaves, snow and splinters into the back seat of my car at 2am, I realized that I'm half of my father (maybe more)... I imagined him doing this identical thing back in college in desperate but more importantly, cheap attempts at adding life to a college apartment just to stay sane. And I'd have been so on-board if I had two cans of neon paint and weren't held captive under a deposit fee that came from my mother's pocket. I've huge plans for the window frames that may include a jungle printed taffeta.... Hmmm...

Other important recent life realizations include the discovery of what puts bad people in good places and vice verse. It all comes down to luck and no one could possibly talk me out of it! Don't even try, my skull is as thick as...... Something big..... uh. I know that you too, have been aggrivated when someone you know is constantly living luxuriously without lifting fingers, never getting caught with their pants down, getting boob jobs from rich succesful anonimous senders, while being ugly in their free time! (By ugly I mean like ugly soul... Selfish and uncaring, unappreciative and unaware) They may lead awful lives that make me cringe, but then end up with a debt-free fantasy life. This my friend is the root of future bad parents. (I'll admit that I'm loosing sight of my argument.) But my recent offense, getting completely busted has made me think even more. I am totally unlucky in just about every aspect. If I found a penny destined to be my good luck token, I'd turn it over and find old chewed gum, or some other mysterious goo that gets me down. I don't win anything unless I've worked pretty dang hard to get it. I hadn't worked hard enough to get away with the scandle I pretended was real life. I've been humbled and brought to my knees. Stripped of my highly fashionable clothing and left alone to do some soul searching. Knowing my life-long unlucky streak I should have known it would eventually come. And on some level I think I did. I didn't care, I lived in the frivals of freedom and youth. But now I might be left with nothing more than the memories in a mansion that fell from the sky. (you with me?) So, my point, the unlucky get what comes around. Don't take risks and don't believe in Karma, be honest in your dealings and if you aren't make sure you cover all your tracks.

I don't think I'm a bad person but I admit that I'm confused. And a lot of the time I can't see the wrong in things that seem right at the time.

Or vice verse.....My roommate has a motoX shirt on.....

Song: Something to do with my hands, Her Space Holiday

You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me
Like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry
Or a fucking fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist
And my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue
Of how much I've been touching you

My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much
For me to come unglued
I put my headphones on
And hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know
That this won't be one of them

You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move
I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right
In case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice
Or a tongue full of sympathy

Let's be honest... If you know me, there is no explanation required. I am who I am.

Trouble in the OC

My life has turned into what would be a really great episode of Laguna Beach. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, Laguna Beach is this hit on MTV of high school, ok one more time HIGH SCHOOL kid's dramatized lives. I'm an adult now, shouldn't drama be replaced by ordinary old maturity and communication? And I never did do much of the whole drama thing in HS.

Ronny writes about cake.... I've got a couple of slices on my hands as well, one I want to lick the frosting off and leave the dry, tasteless, and may I say blank mass of the rest lying on the platter. Then there is another piece, it looks as though clipped from a magazine. Unfortunately for me I've already eaten a huge dinner and want to leave it and come back later... Plus before then I'll probably be snacking on various goodies... Unfair? Life is unfair and I'm stuck in a state of confusion. I'm waiting for someone to come along and rock me hard enough to realize what I really need and want! For now I'm stuck with empty carbs and comfort food. And along with my dear friend I too think I need to swear off cake for awhile.

With that I've got to start off on that crickety, wobbley old bridge that's a hundred years old that could possibly break underneath my feet any second, making me regret any past decision I make about cake, life or any other snack foods at that. As I tumble to my death (aka life of misery and affliction) I'll think of you!

Song: Portions for foxes, Rilo Kiley

Vistit myspace and watch the video... "Baby, I'm bad news!" Ain't that the truth?

The obvious choice: New Year's Resolutions

Ultimately my New Year's celebration was great. New Year's always seems to be somewhat of a let down, so much hype involved, never quite a big enough party, fun enough plans. But I was completely satisfied with my new year. (Oh yeah, Christmas was great too.... No complaints there.) I went up to the Jazz game with my boys (including Corbin, Matt, Ted and CJ.) We all know I don't do sporting events as well as the next girl, but being there with friends was fun. I think I had more fun laughing at how excited they got about it then actually watching the game. The players were so small from where we were siting.... I did notice how terrible the Jazz dancers were however, but they were hot so I guess that's cool? Anyhow, we hit a Chili's on the way home then I let the men be off to the UVSC dance on their own. I then took off to a friend's were two of my favorite girls were, I stole one of them, Tawny. We hit Giff's for a little dance party with Fran and Rach. About 20 seconds before the clock struck 12 we decided to run to see the ball drop. We set off in a dead run, I couldn't keep up with long legs track runner Tawny especially considering I haven't worked out for longer than I choose to admit. But we cased the four blocks with no countdown time to spare. Besides my heaving chest, gasping attempts for breath and uncontrollable urge to hurl, we all enjoyed the glorious fireworks together as a slightly odd group. I was happy with it! I didn't get a kiss, but then again I wasn't hoping for one either. Satisfactory. The remainder of the night, or morning shall we say was filled with delicious superficial conversation back at Andrew's and dramatized stories. Good music too. Dancing and pics at Giff's. And a slightly uncomfortable but enjoyable time at a strangers with a mix of half friends, half new people. I then saved Corbin from the UVSC dance which he obviously wasn't sufficiently prepared for (the lap dances I've been giving him haven't payed off.) Then I hit the sack while nursing a larger than life headache. Corb spent some time on the couch but didn't fail to scare the living daylights out of me when poking in along with Ted and Matt to say goodbye at 4 a.m. All in all, good times.

We all write them..... and break them, but here they are anyhow.... my NYR's
1. Make and start a 5 year plan. It's time to get serious about life.
2. Get my body healthy enough to start working out regularly again.
3. Discover and develop some new talents, I'm getting boring.
4. Buy every CD ever made that I like and want.
5. Give more people a chance, don't start with hate, start with nothing.
6. Save money to travel (back East)
7. Finish every book I start, including BOM

To comemorate 2005? I'll just say that the months have been blurred together like the colors in a first grader's watercolor painting. It's been an interesting year. I've learned a ton, some things the hard way. But the biggest regret is that fact that I'm finishing the year without a huge feeling of accomplishment, hence the new goals. To 2006, raise your glass!!

Song: 7/4 (shoreline), Broken Social Scene

I already own one album, but didn't go wrong when purchasing the second at the clearance sale at Media Play. I've really dig their artistic "Post Rock" style. Beautiful mix of slurred lyrics and eerie melodies, with it's share of snare drums and unpredictability. Not quite as obstract as, say Radiohead, but thouroghly enjoyable and worth a listen. Plus the inside cover says "We hate your hate."