Los Brothers

Working at a restaurant for the last couple years of my life, spending 30 to 40 hours weekly fetching sustinance for middle class "Dave's" and "Carol's," you'd think would warrant me right as lead slave to place judgements and predictions on anyone who walks through the door.... I'm ususally dead on the quote on tip or table time and will express my rights.... You do this with some simple formulas and equations...

Start out with the standard nationwide understanding that it's rude to leave anything less than 15% of the total amount printed on your check for the server, from there you factor in these circumstances and then simple do the math in your head slash on your fingers:

* If it's a big party and there is a man in a suit demanding things, urging people to order drinks and insisting on the biggest birthday embarresment on the century, while arrogance is never fun to appease, if you come through with the right amount of refills and perfect timing from behind with mad indian calls to make his wife's face the right color of red.... You're lucky, it usually pays off... Fetch as many boxes as needed and he'll maybe double the 15% percent. And if he's nice enough you'll get a thank you.

* If they eat more than 3 bowls of chips each, cut expected tip in half.
*Ala Carte equals 20 to 30 minutes of camping, breast feeding and "catching up." Maybe 25% percet tip, seeing as the total on the bill may add up to 4 dollars... The upside of this is that they always want seperate checks, so you may make 3 dollars, sometimes 4.
*Anyone half crazy or half retarded (no offense, cross my heart). No tip, but sometimes some decent entertainment and the warm feeling like you've done a service to be their friend.
*Any missing teeth.... Feel lucky to leave with 10%
*Native Americans, whoa, (again no offense) Although I love their jewelry and am thankful for their ancestors aid in my golden summer tan, waiting on them? No thanks. Tend to chew real slow and forget about gratuity.
*Average Monday night family. Always with coupons, maybe one entree to every third person. Usually pleasant enough to converse with. Usually exactly 15% and you know because they've left the math on the receipt.
*Beer equals larger than average tip.
*Wedding dinner, forget about making money that night.
*Friendly first dates..... They're like a wild card, always a decent tip.
*Awkward first dates.... Can go either way, sometimes awkward people are awkward because people don't like them... because they tip real bad.
*Old people, share chimichangas, bring the extra meat home for their dog... One crumpled dollar and any extra change. Sometimes as a bonus you get a silver dollar, but those are the good days.
*Big company parties, usually worth doing a good job for.
*Picky picky salsa drinkers..... Again, the more high maintainence the smaller the tip.
*Mexicans that come in ten minutes before close. They don't even mind staying to keep you company an hour after the doors are locked.
*Any sharing means not that they aren't really hungry, but that they are cheap.
*Friends and family. Bless their heart for supporting....
*Ex co-workers. Higher than average, less than expected.
*Ex co-workers and real friends.... God bless America
*Families with polite 5 year olds. Rich generous people teach their children manners. BONUS!
*Birthday ice cream does not equal bigger tip.
*Regulars... can't leave absolutely horrible tips, save the warm chip lady, because they come in all the time, expect average and coupons.
*Overly friendly loners from out-of-town that order anything you tell them to. Good tips and they usually leave right after their meal on the phone with loved ones. God can bless them as well.
*White trash, suprisingly great tippers! BUENO!
*A fake laugh is sometimes worth the dollar when you're desperate.
*Buisness men. Wonk! Unless they treat themselves to a beverage and order what they want and not whatever the special may be. I'd add a dollar or two in that case, and they're always eager to get back to work so they leave quickly.
*Unless they're conducting business at lunch.... wonk!
*Birthday parties, endless diet coke refills and consider your section out of order for the next two hours.

These are just a few stereotypes that aren't really stereotypes at all, but cold hard fact. Brought to you by 936 days of research. I've worked and sweated to bring you the truth. Don't even worry that all I could think to write about is my employment.