What will I ever do when all my current friends earn degrees and and move away forever??? I won't be able to manage. I always get really attached to people, friends mostly. I hate saying goodbye more than anything in the whole world!! I ate with Rachel Lee the other day and this hit me very hard! I don't wanna give up any of these important ties and bonds and don't think I should have to. Chris, we WILL be friends forever even if I have to become a crazy stalker girl in the bushes.
I'm a giant ball of mixed emotions these last couple days. I feel like I'm revisiting my old life, I sit here and stare and millions of things are running in and out. Don't do drugs, just have a missionary come home, that's all I'm going to say because I promised myself and everyone else that I'd give it time. That's what I'm prepared to do, hold on for the updates...
Christmas will be here in like two seconds!! I am just about finished with less than nothing left in my change purse. I have high hopes that someone famous and giving will saunter into Los tomorrow and ask if there might be any small blonde girls that might serve them? I'll fit the description to a T, they'll be so pleased and leave me a large tip along with a business card with a phone number on it. I decide to call it a few days later because the curiousity is just eating at me!! The rest pretty much goes like the end of Willy Wonka, you know, the leave everything to me and I'm set for life blah, blah, blah. Ps, instead of candy, it's some magnificent shoe factory or something as equally inticing.
That's what I do these days instead of face facts, daydream.... The imagination is a beautiful thing!!
Song: Under Pressure, Queen
I didn't go to 80's night which I'm fine with.... The rest I'm sure you can figure out. Night
Friday, December 23, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
A Tribute
At this moment I'm in complete shock and hystaria.... I come home and enter my apartment to find it empty, not that I want anyone here, as much as I love my roommates, they couldn't begin to make me feel better or understand, no one can actually. I don't know what else to do, so I write and hope this somehow eases my mind and captures my pain.....
We met Sabo and Randy when we first moved into my place a year and a half ago.... They were our first friends here and we were all inseperable immediately. (Just so you know, no one died but I'm upset and it'll sound that way if I want to over dramatize!!!) We practically lived in one anothers apartments!!! We had sleep overs, hung out til all hours of the night, day, told ALL of our deep dark secrets (granted theirs were lots better... deeper and darker) whatever! Anyhow, Sabo and I got especially close for some reason and I scan back to memories that just make me laugh...then cry. This time last year is when we would go on numerous group dates, I recall a work Christmas party where I was silent most the night, mostly because he's such a social outgoing person and HAD to make the rounds and talk to every person in the room. ..... We all went up to see the lights in Salt Lake, he was prancing about singing and teasing me the whole time, then we went to Borders and spent hours with the music. Denny's, he always would play like he was going to kiss me just to get the reaction out me, so I said "hey Sab please kiss me!!!" He had nothing to say, "No, stop it you're taking all the fun out of it!!!" I kept bugging him and he finally consented. He looked so stupid as I just laughed, then he laughed, I guess one of those things you had to be there for..... We all went ice skating, for some reason we were running all around the city hand in hand. Movies til late, we got some cute pics etc. etc. .... These are just a few of the random memories that the snow is making me remember.
What I love most about this kid is that he knows how to be a real friend and remains to be so to me. No one I'd call before him for any favor, anytime I needed a thing. He was here everytime I was sick, he'd lay with me for hours, he was the first one there when I got in my accident and was scared to death. He'd be the first to call with boy problems, and he'd always offer to start a fight on my behalf. We used to skip classes and go to just Sacrament Meeting. I stay at his place and fall asleep to him watching football on Sunday afternoons. No one tells a dirty joke like him. I've never squeezed anyone so hard during a scary movie, I was literally wrapped around his body with my stilettos pinned into his leg, he didn't care... That night we almost drove to Vegas to get married just to keep our words!!! Last Valentine's day I was upset and they found me in the parking lot, they brought me up to my place to find a giant blown up monkey in my living room, it took up the whole room!!! The texts through-out the day read "Will you pet my monkey? Will you kiss my monkey's head?" He'd help me study for Human Sexuality until morning literally, quizzing me over and over (well it was Human Sexuality, his specialty) Him in my spanky pants on Halloween... Oh gosh, there are too many. He's one of the closest things I can call to family (besides my real family obviously) and because he doesn't really have one he'd agree. (PS, I'm not in love, I know that's what this is sounding like, I'm just trying to capture how close we'all were k?) Randy would always send me into his room to have talks with him claiming that I was the only one he'd listen to or cared what I thought.....
I got his call today as I was driving.... He'll be in prison for 3 to life.... If you know me, you know why and I don't think it's important to dwell on at this time. But he's gone Friday. Tears immediately swelled in my eyes and we both sat and cried together on the phone for a bit..... I'm so scared I don't even know how to describe. I can't say good-bye to this kid!!! Who's going to watch out for me and beat up all the boys that hurt my feelings and play with my hair when I'm sick. He's been everything that a friend should be in spite of his own trials he's had to deal with. And it makes me absolutely sick that I can't do a single thing. I feel like garbage that I'm selfishly thinking of my loss with him, he doesn't have family, we're his family.
What do I do? This is not real... Take me to the bar, my medication is not near powerful enough to take any sort of edge off....If I were going to prison he'd risk everything and somehow break me out! I know it.
Song: Make up, Elefant
We used to play to this song, we loved it!!!! It's happy and energetic which he always is. No one puts me in a better mode I'll tell you that.
We met Sabo and Randy when we first moved into my place a year and a half ago.... They were our first friends here and we were all inseperable immediately. (Just so you know, no one died but I'm upset and it'll sound that way if I want to over dramatize!!!) We practically lived in one anothers apartments!!! We had sleep overs, hung out til all hours of the night, day, told ALL of our deep dark secrets (granted theirs were lots better... deeper and darker) whatever! Anyhow, Sabo and I got especially close for some reason and I scan back to memories that just make me laugh...then cry. This time last year is when we would go on numerous group dates, I recall a work Christmas party where I was silent most the night, mostly because he's such a social outgoing person and HAD to make the rounds and talk to every person in the room. ..... We all went up to see the lights in Salt Lake, he was prancing about singing and teasing me the whole time, then we went to Borders and spent hours with the music. Denny's, he always would play like he was going to kiss me just to get the reaction out me, so I said "hey Sab please kiss me!!!" He had nothing to say, "No, stop it you're taking all the fun out of it!!!" I kept bugging him and he finally consented. He looked so stupid as I just laughed, then he laughed, I guess one of those things you had to be there for..... We all went ice skating, for some reason we were running all around the city hand in hand. Movies til late, we got some cute pics etc. etc. .... These are just a few of the random memories that the snow is making me remember.
What I love most about this kid is that he knows how to be a real friend and remains to be so to me. No one I'd call before him for any favor, anytime I needed a thing. He was here everytime I was sick, he'd lay with me for hours, he was the first one there when I got in my accident and was scared to death. He'd be the first to call with boy problems, and he'd always offer to start a fight on my behalf. We used to skip classes and go to just Sacrament Meeting. I stay at his place and fall asleep to him watching football on Sunday afternoons. No one tells a dirty joke like him. I've never squeezed anyone so hard during a scary movie, I was literally wrapped around his body with my stilettos pinned into his leg, he didn't care... That night we almost drove to Vegas to get married just to keep our words!!! Last Valentine's day I was upset and they found me in the parking lot, they brought me up to my place to find a giant blown up monkey in my living room, it took up the whole room!!! The texts through-out the day read "Will you pet my monkey? Will you kiss my monkey's head?" He'd help me study for Human Sexuality until morning literally, quizzing me over and over (well it was Human Sexuality, his specialty) Him in my spanky pants on Halloween... Oh gosh, there are too many. He's one of the closest things I can call to family (besides my real family obviously) and because he doesn't really have one he'd agree. (PS, I'm not in love, I know that's what this is sounding like, I'm just trying to capture how close we'all were k?) Randy would always send me into his room to have talks with him claiming that I was the only one he'd listen to or cared what I thought.....
I got his call today as I was driving.... He'll be in prison for 3 to life.... If you know me, you know why and I don't think it's important to dwell on at this time. But he's gone Friday. Tears immediately swelled in my eyes and we both sat and cried together on the phone for a bit..... I'm so scared I don't even know how to describe. I can't say good-bye to this kid!!! Who's going to watch out for me and beat up all the boys that hurt my feelings and play with my hair when I'm sick. He's been everything that a friend should be in spite of his own trials he's had to deal with. And it makes me absolutely sick that I can't do a single thing. I feel like garbage that I'm selfishly thinking of my loss with him, he doesn't have family, we're his family.
What do I do? This is not real... Take me to the bar, my medication is not near powerful enough to take any sort of edge off....If I were going to prison he'd risk everything and somehow break me out! I know it.
Song: Make up, Elefant
We used to play to this song, we loved it!!!! It's happy and energetic which he always is. No one puts me in a better mode I'll tell you that.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Love me don't leave me
Today my sister found out that she is having a little baby girl! This defies any trust that we had in my mother's needle. But I'm stoked nevertheless. We were all expecting our first little nephew. Syd and Madi will have another little cous!!!
Next week is finals, how excited am I to be done with school?! I figure I've got 2 out of 4. Unless my zainy little Finance professor pulls some impossible test from nowhere. He's insane and his class is the most unstructured course I've ever taken. I've learned quite a bit though.
For like 4 days now I've been completely nostalgic, I feel like I'm in a daze 100 percent of the time. It's the wierdest feeling.
Along with my song, I've gotta note that I've also been obsessed with The Royal Tenenbaums. It's the most amazing movie ever made. Enjoy Ciao.
Song: Skeleton Jar, Youth Group
A friend asked me the other day to explain what I meant when I posted "I hate you for liking me." (we love myspace, hate it acutally) Here I am to explain. This is actually from the song Skeleton Jar by lovely Youth Group.
Skeleton Jar
I feel like hell, you feel like dancing.
You know this bar curtains a world.
Those empty bottles, like sentinals,
stand guard in the morning sun.
Then the lights go down and all the
people gather round and you
feel you are a skeleton jar
oh yeah.
Be like the brother I never had,
be like the real son to my dad.
How can you stand there and
watch this scene. I hate you for
liking me.
Why am I so miserable if these
are the best years of my life
goes by like a train I just missed
out on being part of the community
"don't go just stay with me" were
all that they heard from me.
Love me don't leave me just stay
with me don't leave me I've never
known another who could just please
me the way that you please me
don't go just stay with don't go
just stay with were all they heard from me.
I adore these lyrics because they so perfectly articulate my soul lately.... I feel like I'm going through this great learning phase in life. Bitterness and depression come along with this unfortunately. But I'm one of those people that think people are put in your life for a reason. And I'm so lucky in the sense that I've got tons of people to lean on as I test the waters and feel completely discontent with myself. You all don't realize how much our talks and descussions of life effect me and my way of thinking. I'm been blessed with wise friends and family. For instance, just now a friend just popped in who I haven't seen in ages and we sat and talked for 2 hours, he said all the right things that I needed to hear.
"I hate you for liking me." A lot of the excuses I have for not dating or getting close to certain people is simply because I don't really love who I am right now. I don't hate who I am either, can I claim indifference? I just don't feel comfortable with letting someone love the not-best me. It also really bothers me when someone thinks they are making me feel better by telling me that I'm this great and wonderful person and I shouldn't worry so much about being serious about life. I know this is bull shit, just don't. I know what needs to be done, and maybe I should be worrying more! So my plea is simply put in this song, "don't go, just stay with me."
In spite of my "misery" (the song is a bit more dramatic obviously) I still feel like these are the best years of my life. I've never been happier about the people that take up my time and thoughts. Another conflicting phrase.... A lot of the time I DO feel like hell, but I ALWAYS feel like dancing!!! I know how to celebrate the good and the bad.
So, "love me don't leave me."
Next week is finals, how excited am I to be done with school?! I figure I've got 2 out of 4. Unless my zainy little Finance professor pulls some impossible test from nowhere. He's insane and his class is the most unstructured course I've ever taken. I've learned quite a bit though.
For like 4 days now I've been completely nostalgic, I feel like I'm in a daze 100 percent of the time. It's the wierdest feeling.
Along with my song, I've gotta note that I've also been obsessed with The Royal Tenenbaums. It's the most amazing movie ever made. Enjoy Ciao.
Song: Skeleton Jar, Youth Group
A friend asked me the other day to explain what I meant when I posted "I hate you for liking me." (we love myspace, hate it acutally) Here I am to explain. This is actually from the song Skeleton Jar by lovely Youth Group.
Skeleton Jar
I feel like hell, you feel like dancing.
You know this bar curtains a world.
Those empty bottles, like sentinals,
stand guard in the morning sun.
Then the lights go down and all the
people gather round and you
feel you are a skeleton jar
oh yeah.
Be like the brother I never had,
be like the real son to my dad.
How can you stand there and
watch this scene. I hate you for
liking me.
Why am I so miserable if these
are the best years of my life
goes by like a train I just missed
out on being part of the community
"don't go just stay with me" were
all that they heard from me.
Love me don't leave me just stay
with me don't leave me I've never
known another who could just please
me the way that you please me
don't go just stay with don't go
just stay with were all they heard from me.
I adore these lyrics because they so perfectly articulate my soul lately.... I feel like I'm going through this great learning phase in life. Bitterness and depression come along with this unfortunately. But I'm one of those people that think people are put in your life for a reason. And I'm so lucky in the sense that I've got tons of people to lean on as I test the waters and feel completely discontent with myself. You all don't realize how much our talks and descussions of life effect me and my way of thinking. I'm been blessed with wise friends and family. For instance, just now a friend just popped in who I haven't seen in ages and we sat and talked for 2 hours, he said all the right things that I needed to hear.
"I hate you for liking me." A lot of the excuses I have for not dating or getting close to certain people is simply because I don't really love who I am right now. I don't hate who I am either, can I claim indifference? I just don't feel comfortable with letting someone love the not-best me. It also really bothers me when someone thinks they are making me feel better by telling me that I'm this great and wonderful person and I shouldn't worry so much about being serious about life. I know this is bull shit, just don't. I know what needs to be done, and maybe I should be worrying more! So my plea is simply put in this song, "don't go, just stay with me."
In spite of my "misery" (the song is a bit more dramatic obviously) I still feel like these are the best years of my life. I've never been happier about the people that take up my time and thoughts. Another conflicting phrase.... A lot of the time I DO feel like hell, but I ALWAYS feel like dancing!!! I know how to celebrate the good and the bad.
So, "love me don't leave me."
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