A Tribute

At this moment I'm in complete shock and hystaria.... I come home and enter my apartment to find it empty, not that I want anyone here, as much as I love my roommates, they couldn't begin to make me feel better or understand, no one can actually. I don't know what else to do, so I write and hope this somehow eases my mind and captures my pain.....

We met Sabo and Randy when we first moved into my place a year and a half ago.... They were our first friends here and we were all inseperable immediately. (Just so you know, no one died but I'm upset and it'll sound that way if I want to over dramatize!!!) We practically lived in one anothers apartments!!! We had sleep overs, hung out til all hours of the night, day, told ALL of our deep dark secrets (granted theirs were lots better... deeper and darker) whatever! Anyhow, Sabo and I got especially close for some reason and I scan back to memories that just make me laugh...then cry. This time last year is when we would go on numerous group dates, I recall a work Christmas party where I was silent most the night, mostly because he's such a social outgoing person and HAD to make the rounds and talk to every person in the room. ..... We all went up to see the lights in Salt Lake, he was prancing about singing and teasing me the whole time, then we went to Borders and spent hours with the music. Denny's, he always would play like he was going to kiss me just to get the reaction out me, so I said "hey Sab please kiss me!!!" He had nothing to say, "No, stop it you're taking all the fun out of it!!!" I kept bugging him and he finally consented. He looked so stupid as I just laughed, then he laughed, I guess one of those things you had to be there for..... We all went ice skating, for some reason we were running all around the city hand in hand. Movies til late, we got some cute pics etc. etc. .... These are just a few of the random memories that the snow is making me remember.

What I love most about this kid is that he knows how to be a real friend and remains to be so to me. No one I'd call before him for any favor, anytime I needed a thing. He was here everytime I was sick, he'd lay with me for hours, he was the first one there when I got in my accident and was scared to death. He'd be the first to call with boy problems, and he'd always offer to start a fight on my behalf. We used to skip classes and go to just Sacrament Meeting. I stay at his place and fall asleep to him watching football on Sunday afternoons. No one tells a dirty joke like him. I've never squeezed anyone so hard during a scary movie, I was literally wrapped around his body with my stilettos pinned into his leg, he didn't care... That night we almost drove to Vegas to get married just to keep our words!!! Last Valentine's day I was upset and they found me in the parking lot, they brought me up to my place to find a giant blown up monkey in my living room, it took up the whole room!!! The texts through-out the day read "Will you pet my monkey? Will you kiss my monkey's head?" He'd help me study for Human Sexuality until morning literally, quizzing me over and over (well it was Human Sexuality, his specialty) Him in my spanky pants on Halloween... Oh gosh, there are too many. He's one of the closest things I can call to family (besides my real family obviously) and because he doesn't really have one he'd agree. (PS, I'm not in love, I know that's what this is sounding like, I'm just trying to capture how close we'all were k?) Randy would always send me into his room to have talks with him claiming that I was the only one he'd listen to or cared what I thought.....

I got his call today as I was driving.... He'll be in prison for 3 to life.... If you know me, you know why and I don't think it's important to dwell on at this time. But he's gone Friday. Tears immediately swelled in my eyes and we both sat and cried together on the phone for a bit..... I'm so scared I don't even know how to describe. I can't say good-bye to this kid!!! Who's going to watch out for me and beat up all the boys that hurt my feelings and play with my hair when I'm sick. He's been everything that a friend should be in spite of his own trials he's had to deal with. And it makes me absolutely sick that I can't do a single thing. I feel like garbage that I'm selfishly thinking of my loss with him, he doesn't have family, we're his family.

What do I do? This is not real... Take me to the bar, my medication is not near powerful enough to take any sort of edge off....If I were going to prison he'd risk everything and somehow break me out! I know it.

Song: Make up, Elefant

We used to play to this song, we loved it!!!! It's happy and energetic which he always is. No one puts me in a better mode I'll tell you that.