Love.... Ok let's talk about it. Since I have no one Valentine to claim and I plan on working my guts out on this very holiday I wanted to address a few of the many things I love and ultimatly make me happy! (even when I try my hardest to stay super emo...)
1. I bought myself a Valentine, the new Magnet album. I love Magnet with all of my heart and this one's a keeper!!
2. Music in general, I let it define who I am completely, I'm not exactly sure how healthy it is, but it's the truth.
3. Rachel, Lins and Kuch. These ladies hear more about my pathetic excuse for a life more than anyone!! They have no idea how much LOVE I have for them.
4. Love that my niece can say my name and has started to dance!! She's beautiful and I love her more than life.
5. I love my hot tub... For those who don't know what this is, when I put my couches together and they make the most comfortable movie watching spot EVER!!! Plus you can pile literally hundreds of bodies inside!
6. Love dancing!! 80's, in the studio whatever!!!
7. I love finding that perfect knock ya'lls socks off outfit that you feel great in, I love to find them in thrift stores more than that. Finding the perfect 5 dollar scarf is simply priceless and lights my life up!
8. Late night drives with the music
9. Swings all year round pretty much rock my world!
10. My DP addiction
11. Laying on the deck of a boat in the summer sun... With the music of course
12. A really satisfying meal!!
13. Red bulls at Area 51
14. When your art projects come together and everyone compliments them!
15. Waiting all day in suspense, then finally getting to hug and love someone!
16. Being deliciously ugly in public
17. Chai tea, and seafood!
18. Zany friends that remind you not to take life too seriously
19. Puppies, except weiner ones
20. Childhood memories! Even if they include me being tortured to tears
21. Movies that make you think, then have you pretending you're the lead character all week
22. Shows!!! More exclamations!! I love love love!!
23. Boots
24. Asian art
25. The feeling after working out!
26. Big tips when you don't expect them!
27. The turning of heads
28. The look on someones face when you give them a compliment!! Also, just really good compliments from people you respect
29. I love waking up without bad dreams in your head. Good ones I love more!
30. Glances from hot strangers across the room
31. Love laughing at all ya'll
32. Lazy summer pool days
33. Good deals, like when you go up to the counter and the shirt you have in your hand ended up being way cheaper than you expect.
34. Licking my teeth after brushing
35. MAC makeup
36. Clashing so much it ends up matching!
37. Whitty text messages
38. My ipod
39. Thinking of good memories!
40. Pictures that make you laugh for hours on end... (actually have)
41. Lyrics that make you cry
42. Daydreams
43. Stories
44. Perfect mixes
45. Drawings from Sacrament meeting
46. Handstands in church skirts
47. Dancing to crazy music whilst you get ready for the day... date, whatever!! I love more when Kuch is there too and we make everyone late!!
That should suffice for now. But there are millions more. Happy Valentine's day!!
Album: Magnet, The Tourniquet
Hearts!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Caught
Conflict, for me at least usually leads me to a whole lot of self reflection. But when does your mind say "slow down, too much, you're wearing me out lady?!" I'll tell you when.... When you lay in bed (or hot tub) and turn on your music to try and distract you from your thoughts (knowing all too well that it only brings more to the surface, but you do it anyhow.) All of your favorite songs play and suddenly all of these beloved melodies you know as well as the back of your hand start mutating and having all these different meanings that you've never thought of before. All the things you've come to rely on play a giant prank on your sorry ass and leave you abandoned! Everything you are soooo sure of begins to smudge.... then smear. And you're not sure of anything or anyone anymore and despite the sleeping pills you're left to plan a whole new life for yourself! It's exhausting!
I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams
"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."
I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...
.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.
I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams
"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."
I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...
.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Leave it to Luck
I've recently been going through this mid-life (assuming I only live til I'm 50ish) creativity crisis!! This wave of panic has preceeded a week of posing and basically me being a huge artistic wannabe. Since then I've shoved a bunch of stuff in a decorative birdcage and have insisted that it's genius while my roommate just stares and proclaims that it looks terribly out of place, says she doesn't get it... Also I'm pretty sure that I stopped myself from spending 60 dollars on tiny frames today. What has gotten into me? I'm loosing a sense of self worth I think. And as I was shoving old dirty window frames coated in leaves, snow and splinters into the back seat of my car at 2am, I realized that I'm half of my father (maybe more)... I imagined him doing this identical thing back in college in desperate but more importantly, cheap attempts at adding life to a college apartment just to stay sane. And I'd have been so on-board if I had two cans of neon paint and weren't held captive under a deposit fee that came from my mother's pocket. I've huge plans for the window frames that may include a jungle printed taffeta.... Hmmm...
Other important recent life realizations include the discovery of what puts bad people in good places and vice verse. It all comes down to luck and no one could possibly talk me out of it! Don't even try, my skull is as thick as...... Something big..... uh. I know that you too, have been aggrivated when someone you know is constantly living luxuriously without lifting fingers, never getting caught with their pants down, getting boob jobs from rich succesful anonimous senders, while being ugly in their free time! (By ugly I mean like ugly soul... Selfish and uncaring, unappreciative and unaware) They may lead awful lives that make me cringe, but then end up with a debt-free fantasy life. This my friend is the root of future bad parents. (I'll admit that I'm loosing sight of my argument.) But my recent offense, getting completely busted has made me think even more. I am totally unlucky in just about every aspect. If I found a penny destined to be my good luck token, I'd turn it over and find old chewed gum, or some other mysterious goo that gets me down. I don't win anything unless I've worked pretty dang hard to get it. I hadn't worked hard enough to get away with the scandle I pretended was real life. I've been humbled and brought to my knees. Stripped of my highly fashionable clothing and left alone to do some soul searching. Knowing my life-long unlucky streak I should have known it would eventually come. And on some level I think I did. I didn't care, I lived in the frivals of freedom and youth. But now I might be left with nothing more than the memories in a mansion that fell from the sky. (you with me?) So, my point, the unlucky get what comes around. Don't take risks and don't believe in Karma, be honest in your dealings and if you aren't make sure you cover all your tracks.
I don't think I'm a bad person but I admit that I'm confused. And a lot of the time I can't see the wrong in things that seem right at the time.
Or vice verse.....My roommate has a motoX shirt on.....
Song: Something to do with my hands, Her Space Holiday
You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me
Like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry
Or a fucking fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist
And my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue
Of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much
For me to come unglued
I put my headphones on
And hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know
That this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move
I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right
In case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice
Or a tongue full of sympathy
Other important recent life realizations include the discovery of what puts bad people in good places and vice verse. It all comes down to luck and no one could possibly talk me out of it! Don't even try, my skull is as thick as...... Something big..... uh. I know that you too, have been aggrivated when someone you know is constantly living luxuriously without lifting fingers, never getting caught with their pants down, getting boob jobs from rich succesful anonimous senders, while being ugly in their free time! (By ugly I mean like ugly soul... Selfish and uncaring, unappreciative and unaware) They may lead awful lives that make me cringe, but then end up with a debt-free fantasy life. This my friend is the root of future bad parents. (I'll admit that I'm loosing sight of my argument.) But my recent offense, getting completely busted has made me think even more. I am totally unlucky in just about every aspect. If I found a penny destined to be my good luck token, I'd turn it over and find old chewed gum, or some other mysterious goo that gets me down. I don't win anything unless I've worked pretty dang hard to get it. I hadn't worked hard enough to get away with the scandle I pretended was real life. I've been humbled and brought to my knees. Stripped of my highly fashionable clothing and left alone to do some soul searching. Knowing my life-long unlucky streak I should have known it would eventually come. And on some level I think I did. I didn't care, I lived in the frivals of freedom and youth. But now I might be left with nothing more than the memories in a mansion that fell from the sky. (you with me?) So, my point, the unlucky get what comes around. Don't take risks and don't believe in Karma, be honest in your dealings and if you aren't make sure you cover all your tracks.
I don't think I'm a bad person but I admit that I'm confused. And a lot of the time I can't see the wrong in things that seem right at the time.
Or vice verse.....My roommate has a motoX shirt on.....
Song: Something to do with my hands, Her Space Holiday
You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me
Like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry
Or a fucking fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist
And my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue
Of how much I've been touching you
My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much
For me to come unglued
I put my headphones on
And hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know
That this won't be one of them
You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move
I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right
In case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice
Or a tongue full of sympathy
Let's be honest... If you know me, there is no explanation required. I am who I am.
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