Conflict, for me at least usually leads me to a whole lot of self reflection. But when does your mind say "slow down, too much, you're wearing me out lady?!" I'll tell you when.... When you lay in bed (or hot tub) and turn on your music to try and distract you from your thoughts (knowing all too well that it only brings more to the surface, but you do it anyhow.) All of your favorite songs play and suddenly all of these beloved melodies you know as well as the back of your hand start mutating and having all these different meanings that you've never thought of before. All the things you've come to rely on play a giant prank on your sorry ass and leave you abandoned! Everything you are soooo sure of begins to smudge.... then smear. And you're not sure of anything or anyone anymore and despite the sleeping pills you're left to plan a whole new life for yourself! It's exhausting!
I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams
"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."
I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...
.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.
About Me
- Dice
- "I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over, I'm not sorry... There's nothing to say."
4 comments:
Man, Candice. Your life justs seems to suck these days. Have you talked to your bishop? Mine just got approval for me to start free counseling. You sound like you could use some to. It makes me sad when I read your blog. I love you. Seriously when are we going to hang out? You tell me when and I will be there. I'm at your beckon call.
I like questions one and two, but three can bite me. cuz it seems that only works out for the lucky's.. (ps that's my song- and my quote on my blog. love it! and feel the same. Day dreaming is all we have, thus the quote I sent you about living in the worlds inside our heads)
What is with all this swearing lately. Not that I would put myself above it all, but I'm not proud of it. Stop it. (yes I've been reading your comments w/ Em and whoever else) I quit swearing myself except today when the phone was ringing off the hook and really annoying me.. mostly my habits come out on the rode- and I'm working on that. Do you remember the hilarious Candi who although had tough times was always fun and happy and funny most of all. (I know there's one of these in me too) It seems the trend of blogs and comments need be deep thoughts and toubled souls, but I want the girl I used to know.. the one who was tortured by the crow monster and not by life itself. It makes me frustrated to read everyones comments telling you your life sucks and you need help. counseling? Heck I'd take free counseling any day. We are all in the same boat of deciding what to do with our lives.. we're in our 20's and unmarried. What is sure in anyone's life at this point? I feel trapped by financial issues- I always have.. I feel the weight of school on my shoulders and it's crushing me like a ton of bricks. What am I getting at? I lost my train.. What I'm saying is your life is no worse than anyone elses our age. Just different- but the same. Please read Truth and Beauty by Ann Patchett. (for reals this time) It's about a friendship.. it's kinda like us- at least you can compare some things. I beg of you to hear something happy in your next entry. One of your stories if that's all you can muster. Your blog is called blue light- not dark. And if I can't see it through your face, I want to see it through your writting. I'm serious friend. Put your life's experiences to good use. That's what all artists do.
I want you to call me the next time you feel like this. Also, keep in mind that a plane ticket from SLC to Denver is only $49. There's nothing like a friend, a cat, and some Australian lovin to set you right. Muah!
Hooray to Karalee! I love her. Thanks for saying what I haven't had to courage to say. Dice, you are amazing! Stop dwelling on the dismal reality of life, and start living it!!! Look at what you are made of! Life is never going to be equal to the lyrics in a song, because I believe you have to write your own. Until lately, I always thought yours would consist of baby ducks and tutus with rainbows of Nerds ropes and your laugh...its been so long since I heard you laugh. You don't need counseling...Larry didn't make 'em like that. You just need to remember who you are, and remember that the strongest people are the ones who have to fight to become strong. Fight!!! Don't give in or give up!!! You are just too good for that! You have your family, your faith and your friends. When you think about those blessings, you are invincible! Nothing can buy THAT kind of reality or happiness--not even all the tips or CDs in the world. That's where the real happiness is found--you know that. Take all of that passion wrapped up in that tiny body of yours, and lets go in search of the end of that Nerds rope rainbow for a while and stop seeing just black clouds! As tempting as it is to cave into the depths of despair every once in a while...you'll feel so much better if you choose to rise above instead. It has to be a choice--your choice, but I promise, you'll be happier with the end product. "You must be willing to sacrifice who you are today, to become who you want to be tomorrow." I KNOW who you can become...and I know that you do too. I love you to death...you're my second half! As much as life changes, I know your soul and am always here for you.
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