Thursday, August 09, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Los Brothers
Working at a restaurant for the last couple years of my life, spending 30 to 40 hours weekly fetching sustinance for middle class "Dave's" and "Carol's," you'd think would warrant me right as lead slave to place judgements and predictions on anyone who walks through the door.... I'm ususally dead on the quote on tip or table time and will express my rights.... You do this with some simple formulas and equations...
Start out with the standard nationwide understanding that it's rude to leave anything less than 15% of the total amount printed on your check for the server, from there you factor in these circumstances and then simple do the math in your head slash on your fingers:
* If it's a big party and there is a man in a suit demanding things, urging people to order drinks and insisting on the biggest birthday embarresment on the century, while arrogance is never fun to appease, if you come through with the right amount of refills and perfect timing from behind with mad indian calls to make his wife's face the right color of red.... You're lucky, it usually pays off... Fetch as many boxes as needed and he'll maybe double the 15% percent. And if he's nice enough you'll get a thank you.
* If they eat more than 3 bowls of chips each, cut expected tip in half.
*Ala Carte equals 20 to 30 minutes of camping, breast feeding and "catching up." Maybe 25% percet tip, seeing as the total on the bill may add up to 4 dollars... The upside of this is that they always want seperate checks, so you may make 3 dollars, sometimes 4.
*Anyone half crazy or half retarded (no offense, cross my heart). No tip, but sometimes some decent entertainment and the warm feeling like you've done a service to be their friend.
*Any missing teeth.... Feel lucky to leave with 10%
*Native Americans, whoa, (again no offense) Although I love their jewelry and am thankful for their ancestors aid in my golden summer tan, waiting on them? No thanks. Tend to chew real slow and forget about gratuity.
*Average Monday night family. Always with coupons, maybe one entree to every third person. Usually pleasant enough to converse with. Usually exactly 15% and you know because they've left the math on the receipt.
*Beer equals larger than average tip.
*Wedding dinner, forget about making money that night.
*Friendly first dates..... They're like a wild card, always a decent tip.
*Awkward first dates.... Can go either way, sometimes awkward people are awkward because people don't like them... because they tip real bad.
*Old people, share chimichangas, bring the extra meat home for their dog... One crumpled dollar and any extra change. Sometimes as a bonus you get a silver dollar, but those are the good days.
*Big company parties, usually worth doing a good job for.
*Picky picky salsa drinkers..... Again, the more high maintainence the smaller the tip.
*Mexicans that come in ten minutes before close. They don't even mind staying to keep you company an hour after the doors are locked.
*Any sharing means not that they aren't really hungry, but that they are cheap.
*Friends and family. Bless their heart for supporting....
*Ex co-workers. Higher than average, less than expected.
*Ex co-workers and real friends.... God bless America
*Families with polite 5 year olds. Rich generous people teach their children manners. BONUS!
*Birthday ice cream does not equal bigger tip.
*Regulars... can't leave absolutely horrible tips, save the warm chip lady, because they come in all the time, expect average and coupons.
*Overly friendly loners from out-of-town that order anything you tell them to. Good tips and they usually leave right after their meal on the phone with loved ones. God can bless them as well.
*White trash, suprisingly great tippers! BUENO!
*A fake laugh is sometimes worth the dollar when you're desperate.
*Buisness men. Wonk! Unless they treat themselves to a beverage and order what they want and not whatever the special may be. I'd add a dollar or two in that case, and they're always eager to get back to work so they leave quickly.
*Unless they're conducting business at lunch.... wonk!
*Birthday parties, endless diet coke refills and consider your section out of order for the next two hours.
These are just a few stereotypes that aren't really stereotypes at all, but cold hard fact. Brought to you by 936 days of research. I've worked and sweated to bring you the truth. Don't even worry that all I could think to write about is my employment.
Start out with the standard nationwide understanding that it's rude to leave anything less than 15% of the total amount printed on your check for the server, from there you factor in these circumstances and then simple do the math in your head slash on your fingers:
* If it's a big party and there is a man in a suit demanding things, urging people to order drinks and insisting on the biggest birthday embarresment on the century, while arrogance is never fun to appease, if you come through with the right amount of refills and perfect timing from behind with mad indian calls to make his wife's face the right color of red.... You're lucky, it usually pays off... Fetch as many boxes as needed and he'll maybe double the 15% percent. And if he's nice enough you'll get a thank you.
* If they eat more than 3 bowls of chips each, cut expected tip in half.
*Ala Carte equals 20 to 30 minutes of camping, breast feeding and "catching up." Maybe 25% percet tip, seeing as the total on the bill may add up to 4 dollars... The upside of this is that they always want seperate checks, so you may make 3 dollars, sometimes 4.
*Anyone half crazy or half retarded (no offense, cross my heart). No tip, but sometimes some decent entertainment and the warm feeling like you've done a service to be their friend.
*Any missing teeth.... Feel lucky to leave with 10%
*Native Americans, whoa, (again no offense) Although I love their jewelry and am thankful for their ancestors aid in my golden summer tan, waiting on them? No thanks. Tend to chew real slow and forget about gratuity.
*Average Monday night family. Always with coupons, maybe one entree to every third person. Usually pleasant enough to converse with. Usually exactly 15% and you know because they've left the math on the receipt.
*Beer equals larger than average tip.
*Wedding dinner, forget about making money that night.
*Friendly first dates..... They're like a wild card, always a decent tip.
*Awkward first dates.... Can go either way, sometimes awkward people are awkward because people don't like them... because they tip real bad.
*Old people, share chimichangas, bring the extra meat home for their dog... One crumpled dollar and any extra change. Sometimes as a bonus you get a silver dollar, but those are the good days.
*Big company parties, usually worth doing a good job for.
*Picky picky salsa drinkers..... Again, the more high maintainence the smaller the tip.
*Mexicans that come in ten minutes before close. They don't even mind staying to keep you company an hour after the doors are locked.
*Any sharing means not that they aren't really hungry, but that they are cheap.
*Friends and family. Bless their heart for supporting....
*Ex co-workers. Higher than average, less than expected.
*Ex co-workers and real friends.... God bless America
*Families with polite 5 year olds. Rich generous people teach their children manners. BONUS!
*Birthday ice cream does not equal bigger tip.
*Regulars... can't leave absolutely horrible tips, save the warm chip lady, because they come in all the time, expect average and coupons.
*Overly friendly loners from out-of-town that order anything you tell them to. Good tips and they usually leave right after their meal on the phone with loved ones. God can bless them as well.
*White trash, suprisingly great tippers! BUENO!
*A fake laugh is sometimes worth the dollar when you're desperate.
*Buisness men. Wonk! Unless they treat themselves to a beverage and order what they want and not whatever the special may be. I'd add a dollar or two in that case, and they're always eager to get back to work so they leave quickly.
*Unless they're conducting business at lunch.... wonk!
*Birthday parties, endless diet coke refills and consider your section out of order for the next two hours.
These are just a few stereotypes that aren't really stereotypes at all, but cold hard fact. Brought to you by 936 days of research. I've worked and sweated to bring you the truth. Don't even worry that all I could think to write about is my employment.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Ms Puppeteer
Thus far, in my 21 years of life...3 and a half years of adulthood, one thing I'm sure I know about myself with no questions is the plain and simple fact that I'm not a faker. It's really no big deal, but it's come to my attention lately as I've attempted the task at putting on a front that doesn't belong to me. I plead guilty and know that I'm not pulling it off.... everyone knows.
For those who are confused, let me illuminate a few things for you. There are huge differences (in my head) in being fake and pretending. I live my life in a make believe world, no secret there. I pretend to live lavishly, having money to burn and throwing out the most expensive cheese. I like to pretend I know a thing or two about life, money and decorating. I advise at the sight of tears and struggle like I know all, and am sure of the outcome. Correct judgment is placed within seconds of our meeting. It's completely necessary to own a stiletto in EVERY color. In my make believe world, less effort is more attractive..... the more unmatched, the better match is born...... and I'm seen to be unique and perfectly myself rather than lazy. Leave me in my world I beg! I'm happy and safe there.
The reality that's been processing inside me is the fact that I can't fake a thing! I make my judgments with the most blunt expressions, I wear it all on my face and it's apparent by my actions. I can't hold back, I say what's in my head without thinking. It's like someone's controlling me like a robot....But it's my brain and innate emotions pressing the buttons. I've no choice but to obey and do as my master says....My master being...well me. This can be aggrivating!! What do I do when I need a cover up? When he need not know how bugged I actually am? Rather than play sweet, unbothered, understanding... my reflex vomiting bares all. I'm naked....and the drama unfolds. At the end of it all I usually just realize that most of the problems are problems that can be fixed on my own, in other words, it's all me!!
I'm stuck and wanna ditch my Master! Help........
For those who are confused, let me illuminate a few things for you. There are huge differences (in my head) in being fake and pretending. I live my life in a make believe world, no secret there. I pretend to live lavishly, having money to burn and throwing out the most expensive cheese. I like to pretend I know a thing or two about life, money and decorating. I advise at the sight of tears and struggle like I know all, and am sure of the outcome. Correct judgment is placed within seconds of our meeting. It's completely necessary to own a stiletto in EVERY color. In my make believe world, less effort is more attractive..... the more unmatched, the better match is born...... and I'm seen to be unique and perfectly myself rather than lazy. Leave me in my world I beg! I'm happy and safe there.
The reality that's been processing inside me is the fact that I can't fake a thing! I make my judgments with the most blunt expressions, I wear it all on my face and it's apparent by my actions. I can't hold back, I say what's in my head without thinking. It's like someone's controlling me like a robot....But it's my brain and innate emotions pressing the buttons. I've no choice but to obey and do as my master says....My master being...well me. This can be aggrivating!! What do I do when I need a cover up? When he need not know how bugged I actually am? Rather than play sweet, unbothered, understanding... my reflex vomiting bares all. I'm naked....and the drama unfolds. At the end of it all I usually just realize that most of the problems are problems that can be fixed on my own, in other words, it's all me!!
I'm stuck and wanna ditch my Master! Help........
Friday, June 16, 2006
The Haunting.... And Pleasantness
I wake up at almost exactly 7 am EVERY SINGLE MORNING.... I sit straight up, usually anxious and scattered, thinking I'm late for work. Sadly this is just an interruption to the hours left to come of dreams stark full of serving dissasters! I then wake up once more only to cringe once or twice before the bleach stained salsa infested Los Hermanos attire touches my body and stumble out the door, lucky if there is make up left from the day before. These haunting dreams, coupled with the monotony of my morning schedule leave me dissapointed frankly for the lameness of my subconscious mind. I can do way better than that!!! Is that what I'm left with? All this then brings me to think that I need new hobbies, seeing as I'm not quite ready to leave my amigos. Naturally I start to think what hobbies I already have.... I missed my blog I won't lie. My posts kinda became depressing even for me to read and I wasn't into it. April was a dark cloud of helplessness and unrelenting self pity... May was kicked off with an insanely entertaining trip to Vegas (where secrets ensue) Wezz!!... followed by the rediscovery of a skinny skater boy....Then a longing for a skinny skater boy while I was away in New York visiting no other than my puppy Karuh. Drag shows....shopping...eating....beach.....long talks.....sweaty nights....train rides.....cowboy boots....times tables.....kitchen dance parties....sailors and much much more!!! Now it's June the sixth month of the year 2006...
If rollercoasters weren't so cliche I'd go off on that tangent... but they are and it's completely obvious to those around me that I'm on top for now. Except the dreams and sleeping issues, but I've always had those. The leading cause being infatuation. I've learned in the last couple weeks that expecting a lot doesn't always lead to dissapointment and animosity. Sometimes people can be more than you expect.... a nice surprize that I feel I didn't really earn. I've been trying to do good deeds as pay back for the brown eyed dreamboat. Karma has played me a good hand for now and I'm content.... Except for all the nightmares of evil b word customers. It's summertime and I'm rusty. But most of all it's summertime.
If rollercoasters weren't so cliche I'd go off on that tangent... but they are and it's completely obvious to those around me that I'm on top for now. Except the dreams and sleeping issues, but I've always had those. The leading cause being infatuation. I've learned in the last couple weeks that expecting a lot doesn't always lead to dissapointment and animosity. Sometimes people can be more than you expect.... a nice surprize that I feel I didn't really earn. I've been trying to do good deeds as pay back for the brown eyed dreamboat. Karma has played me a good hand for now and I'm content.... Except for all the nightmares of evil b word customers. It's summertime and I'm rusty. But most of all it's summertime.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Along the lines of Asian Tradition
So I've had lots of time to think lately due to the disownershipment..... And I know the root of all my problems!!! It's because I'm white. I decided that it would be heavenly to be asian and this is no joke. I've been noticing them like crazy around these parts lately, they're everywhere. Why, you ask would it be so great to be asian??? Many reasons. I think they are so adorable. I don't have any problems with be a petite mod girl with fashion instinct as a bonus. They're not required to know english and communicate civily, they get so excited about small things like the size of Taco Loco's..... and they get to hang around the bus stops all day doing nothing. Oh, and plus I'm sure they get free education. Suggest a better lifestyle. I wouldn't have to excercise or tan, and most seem like they've got really soft hair.
Why can't I just sit around and look cute all day and have this endearing mysteriousness going for me. I heart Asians as my new moto!
Why can't I just sit around and look cute all day and have this endearing mysteriousness going for me. I heart Asians as my new moto!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Not the four letter word LOVE
Love.... Ok let's talk about it. Since I have no one Valentine to claim and I plan on working my guts out on this very holiday I wanted to address a few of the many things I love and ultimatly make me happy! (even when I try my hardest to stay super emo...)
1. I bought myself a Valentine, the new Magnet album. I love Magnet with all of my heart and this one's a keeper!!
2. Music in general, I let it define who I am completely, I'm not exactly sure how healthy it is, but it's the truth.
3. Rachel, Lins and Kuch. These ladies hear more about my pathetic excuse for a life more than anyone!! They have no idea how much LOVE I have for them.
4. Love that my niece can say my name and has started to dance!! She's beautiful and I love her more than life.
5. I love my hot tub... For those who don't know what this is, when I put my couches together and they make the most comfortable movie watching spot EVER!!! Plus you can pile literally hundreds of bodies inside!
6. Love dancing!! 80's, in the studio whatever!!!
7. I love finding that perfect knock ya'lls socks off outfit that you feel great in, I love to find them in thrift stores more than that. Finding the perfect 5 dollar scarf is simply priceless and lights my life up!
8. Late night drives with the music
9. Swings all year round pretty much rock my world!
10. My DP addiction
11. Laying on the deck of a boat in the summer sun... With the music of course
12. A really satisfying meal!!
13. Red bulls at Area 51
14. When your art projects come together and everyone compliments them!
15. Waiting all day in suspense, then finally getting to hug and love someone!
16. Being deliciously ugly in public
17. Chai tea, and seafood!
18. Zany friends that remind you not to take life too seriously
19. Puppies, except weiner ones
20. Childhood memories! Even if they include me being tortured to tears
21. Movies that make you think, then have you pretending you're the lead character all week
22. Shows!!! More exclamations!! I love love love!!
23. Boots
24. Asian art
25. The feeling after working out!
26. Big tips when you don't expect them!
27. The turning of heads
28. The look on someones face when you give them a compliment!! Also, just really good compliments from people you respect
29. I love waking up without bad dreams in your head. Good ones I love more!
30. Glances from hot strangers across the room
31. Love laughing at all ya'll
32. Lazy summer pool days
33. Good deals, like when you go up to the counter and the shirt you have in your hand ended up being way cheaper than you expect.
34. Licking my teeth after brushing
35. MAC makeup
36. Clashing so much it ends up matching!
37. Whitty text messages
38. My ipod
39. Thinking of good memories!
40. Pictures that make you laugh for hours on end... (actually have)
41. Lyrics that make you cry
42. Daydreams
43. Stories
44. Perfect mixes
45. Drawings from Sacrament meeting
46. Handstands in church skirts
47. Dancing to crazy music whilst you get ready for the day... date, whatever!! I love more when Kuch is there too and we make everyone late!!
That should suffice for now. But there are millions more. Happy Valentine's day!!
Album: Magnet, The Tourniquet
Hearts!!
1. I bought myself a Valentine, the new Magnet album. I love Magnet with all of my heart and this one's a keeper!!
2. Music in general, I let it define who I am completely, I'm not exactly sure how healthy it is, but it's the truth.
3. Rachel, Lins and Kuch. These ladies hear more about my pathetic excuse for a life more than anyone!! They have no idea how much LOVE I have for them.
4. Love that my niece can say my name and has started to dance!! She's beautiful and I love her more than life.
5. I love my hot tub... For those who don't know what this is, when I put my couches together and they make the most comfortable movie watching spot EVER!!! Plus you can pile literally hundreds of bodies inside!
6. Love dancing!! 80's, in the studio whatever!!!
7. I love finding that perfect knock ya'lls socks off outfit that you feel great in, I love to find them in thrift stores more than that. Finding the perfect 5 dollar scarf is simply priceless and lights my life up!
8. Late night drives with the music
9. Swings all year round pretty much rock my world!
10. My DP addiction
11. Laying on the deck of a boat in the summer sun... With the music of course
12. A really satisfying meal!!
13. Red bulls at Area 51
14. When your art projects come together and everyone compliments them!
15. Waiting all day in suspense, then finally getting to hug and love someone!
16. Being deliciously ugly in public
17. Chai tea, and seafood!
18. Zany friends that remind you not to take life too seriously
19. Puppies, except weiner ones
20. Childhood memories! Even if they include me being tortured to tears
21. Movies that make you think, then have you pretending you're the lead character all week
22. Shows!!! More exclamations!! I love love love!!
23. Boots
24. Asian art
25. The feeling after working out!
26. Big tips when you don't expect them!
27. The turning of heads
28. The look on someones face when you give them a compliment!! Also, just really good compliments from people you respect
29. I love waking up without bad dreams in your head. Good ones I love more!
30. Glances from hot strangers across the room
31. Love laughing at all ya'll
32. Lazy summer pool days
33. Good deals, like when you go up to the counter and the shirt you have in your hand ended up being way cheaper than you expect.
34. Licking my teeth after brushing
35. MAC makeup
36. Clashing so much it ends up matching!
37. Whitty text messages
38. My ipod
39. Thinking of good memories!
40. Pictures that make you laugh for hours on end... (actually have)
41. Lyrics that make you cry
42. Daydreams
43. Stories
44. Perfect mixes
45. Drawings from Sacrament meeting
46. Handstands in church skirts
47. Dancing to crazy music whilst you get ready for the day... date, whatever!! I love more when Kuch is there too and we make everyone late!!
That should suffice for now. But there are millions more. Happy Valentine's day!!
Album: Magnet, The Tourniquet
Hearts!!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Caught
Conflict, for me at least usually leads me to a whole lot of self reflection. But when does your mind say "slow down, too much, you're wearing me out lady?!" I'll tell you when.... When you lay in bed (or hot tub) and turn on your music to try and distract you from your thoughts (knowing all too well that it only brings more to the surface, but you do it anyhow.) All of your favorite songs play and suddenly all of these beloved melodies you know as well as the back of your hand start mutating and having all these different meanings that you've never thought of before. All the things you've come to rely on play a giant prank on your sorry ass and leave you abandoned! Everything you are soooo sure of begins to smudge.... then smear. And you're not sure of anything or anyone anymore and despite the sleeping pills you're left to plan a whole new life for yourself! It's exhausting!
I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams
"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."
I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...
.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.
I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.
Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams
"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."
I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...
.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.
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