Blue Light

42776

2007-08-09T20:10:00.000-06:00

Los Brothers

2007-06-13T14:50:00.000-06:00

Working at a restaurant for the last couple years of my life, spending 30 to 40 hours weekly fetching sustinance for middle class "Dave's" and "Carol's," you'd think would warrant me right as lead slave to place judgements and predictions on anyone who walks through the door.... I'm ususally dead on the quote on tip or table time and will express my rights.... You do this with some simple formulas and equations...

Start out with the standard nationwide understanding that it's rude to leave anything less than 15% of the total amount printed on your check for the server, from there you factor in these circumstances and then simple do the math in your head slash on your fingers:

* If it's a big party and there is a man in a suit demanding things, urging people to order drinks and insisting on the biggest birthday embarresment on the century, while arrogance is never fun to appease, if you come through with the right amount of refills and perfect timing from behind with mad indian calls to make his wife's face the right color of red.... You're lucky, it usually pays off... Fetch as many boxes as needed and he'll maybe double the 15% percent. And if he's nice enough you'll get a thank you.

* If they eat more than 3 bowls of chips each, cut expected tip in half.
*Ala Carte equals 20 to 30 minutes of camping, breast feeding and "catching up." Maybe 25% percet tip, seeing as the total on the bill may add up to 4 dollars... The upside of this is that they always want seperate checks, so you may make 3 dollars, sometimes 4.
*Anyone half crazy or half retarded (no offense, cross my heart). No tip, but sometimes some decent entertainment and the warm feeling like you've done a service to be their friend.
*Any missing teeth.... Feel lucky to leave with 10%
*Native Americans, whoa, (again no offense) Although I love their jewelry and am thankful for their ancestors aid in my golden summer tan, waiting on them? No thanks. Tend to chew real slow and forget about gratuity.
*Average Monday night family. Always with coupons, maybe one entree to every third person. Usually pleasant enough to converse with. Usually exactly 15% and you know because they've left the math on the receipt.
*Beer equals larger than average tip.
*Wedding dinner, forget about making money that night.
*Friendly first dates..... They're like a wild card, always a decent tip.
*Awkward first dates.... Can go either way, sometimes awkward people are awkward because people don't like them... because they tip real bad.
*Old people, share chimichangas, bring the extra meat home for their dog... One crumpled dollar and any extra change. Sometimes as a bonus you get a silver dollar, but those are the good days.
*Big company parties, usually worth doing a good job for.
*Picky picky salsa drinkers..... Again, the more high maintainence the smaller the tip.
*Mexicans that come in ten minutes before close. They don't even mind staying to keep you company an hour after the doors are locked.
*Any sharing means not that they aren't really hungry, but that they are cheap.
*Friends and family. Bless their heart for supporting....
*Ex co-workers. Higher than average, less than expected.
*Ex co-workers and real friends.... God bless America
*Families with polite 5 year olds. Rich generous people teach their children manners. BONUS!
*Birthday ice cream does not equal bigger tip.
*Regulars... can't leave absolutely horrible tips, save the warm chip lady, because they come in all the time, expect average and coupons.
*Overly friendly loners from out-of-town that order anything you tell them to. Good tips and they usually leave right after their meal on the phone with loved ones. God can bless them as well.
*White trash, suprisingly great tippers! BUENO!
*A fake laugh is sometimes worth the dollar when you're desperate.
*Buisness men. Wonk! Unless they treat themselves to a beverage and order what they want and not whatever the special may be. I'd add a dollar or two in that case, and they're always eager to get back to work so they leave quickly.
*Unless they're conducting business at lunch.... wonk!
*Birthday parties, endless diet coke refills and consider your section out of order for the next two hours.

These are just a few stereotypes that aren't really stereotypes at all, but cold hard fact. Brought to you by 936 days of research. I've worked and sweated to bring you the truth. Don't even worry that all I could think to write about is my employment.

Ms Puppeteer

2006-09-10T17:54:00.000-06:00

Thus far, in my 21 years of life...3 and a half years of adulthood, one thing I'm sure I know about myself with no questions is the plain and simple fact that I'm not a faker. It's really no big deal, but it's come to my attention lately as I've attempted the task at putting on a front that doesn't belong to me. I plead guilty and know that I'm not pulling it off.... everyone knows.

For those who are confused, let me illuminate a few things for you. There are huge differences (in my head) in being fake and pretending. I live my life in a make believe world, no secret there. I pretend to live lavishly, having money to burn and throwing out the most expensive cheese. I like to pretend I know a thing or two about life, money and decorating. I advise at the sight of tears and struggle like I know all, and am sure of the outcome. Correct judgment is placed within seconds of our meeting. It's completely necessary to own a stiletto in EVERY color. In my make believe world, less effort is more attractive..... the more unmatched, the better match is born...... and I'm seen to be unique and perfectly myself rather than lazy. Leave me in my world I beg! I'm happy and safe there.

The reality that's been processing inside me is the fact that I can't fake a thing! I make my judgments with the most blunt expressions, I wear it all on my face and it's apparent by my actions. I can't hold back, I say what's in my head without thinking. It's like someone's controlling me like a robot....But it's my brain and innate emotions pressing the buttons. I've no choice but to obey and do as my master says....My master being...well me. This can be aggrivating!! What do I do when I need a cover up? When he need not know how bugged I actually am? Rather than play sweet, unbothered, understanding... my reflex vomiting bares all. I'm naked....and the drama unfolds. At the end of it all I usually just realize that most of the problems are problems that can be fixed on my own, in other words, it's all me!!

I'm stuck and wanna ditch my Master! Help........

The Haunting.... And Pleasantness

2006-06-16T15:58:00.000-06:00

I wake up at almost exactly 7 am EVERY SINGLE MORNING.... I sit straight up, usually anxious and scattered, thinking I'm late for work. Sadly this is just an interruption to the hours left to come of dreams stark full of serving dissasters! I then wake up once more only to cringe once or twice before the bleach stained salsa infested Los Hermanos attire touches my body and stumble out the door, lucky if there is make up left from the day before. These haunting dreams, coupled with the monotony of my morning schedule leave me dissapointed frankly for the lameness of my subconscious mind. I can do way better than that!!! Is that what I'm left with? All this then brings me to think that I need new hobbies, seeing as I'm not quite ready to leave my amigos. Naturally I start to think what hobbies I already have.... I missed my blog I won't lie. My posts kinda became depressing even for me to read and I wasn't into it. April was a dark cloud of helplessness and unrelenting self pity... May was kicked off with an insanely entertaining trip to Vegas (where secrets ensue) Wezz!!... followed by the rediscovery of a skinny skater boy....Then a longing for a skinny skater boy while I was away in New York visiting no other than my puppy Karuh. Drag shows....shopping...eating....beach.....long talks.....sweaty nights....train rides.....cowboy boots....times tables.....kitchen dance parties....sailors and much much more!!! Now it's June the sixth month of the year 2006...

If rollercoasters weren't so cliche I'd go off on that tangent... but they are and it's completely obvious to those around me that I'm on top for now. Except the dreams and sleeping issues, but I've always had those. The leading cause being infatuation. I've learned in the last couple weeks that expecting a lot doesn't always lead to dissapointment and animosity. Sometimes people can be more than you expect.... a nice surprize that I feel I didn't really earn. I've been trying to do good deeds as pay back for the brown eyed dreamboat. Karma has played me a good hand for now and I'm content.... Except for all the nightmares of evil b word customers. It's summertime and I'm rusty. But most of all it's summertime.

Along the lines of Asian Tradition

2006-03-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

So I've had lots of time to think lately due to the disownershipment..... And I know the root of all my problems!!! It's because I'm white. I decided that it would be heavenly to be asian and this is no joke. I've been noticing them like crazy around these parts lately, they're everywhere. Why, you ask would it be so great to be asian??? Many reasons. I think they are so adorable. I don't have any problems with be a petite mod girl with fashion instinct as a bonus. They're not required to know english and communicate civily, they get so excited about small things like the size of Taco Loco's..... and they get to hang around the bus stops all day doing nothing. Oh, and plus I'm sure they get free education. Suggest a better lifestyle. I wouldn't have to excercise or tan, and most seem like they've got really soft hair.

Why can't I just sit around and look cute all day and have this endearing mysteriousness going for me. I heart Asians as my new moto!

Not the four letter word LOVE

2006-02-14T15:18:00.000-07:00

Love.... Ok let's talk about it. Since I have no one Valentine to claim and I plan on working my guts out on this very holiday I wanted to address a few of the many things I love and ultimatly make me happy! (even when I try my hardest to stay super emo...)

1. I bought myself a Valentine, the new Magnet album. I love Magnet with all of my heart and this one's a keeper!!
2. Music in general, I let it define who I am completely, I'm not exactly sure how healthy it is, but it's the truth.
3. Rachel, Lins and Kuch. These ladies hear more about my pathetic excuse for a life more than anyone!! They have no idea how much LOVE I have for them.
4. Love that my niece can say my name and has started to dance!! She's beautiful and I love her more than life.
5. I love my hot tub... For those who don't know what this is, when I put my couches together and they make the most comfortable movie watching spot EVER!!! Plus you can pile literally hundreds of bodies inside!
6. Love dancing!! 80's, in the studio whatever!!!
7. I love finding that perfect knock ya'lls socks off outfit that you feel great in, I love to find them in thrift stores more than that. Finding the perfect 5 dollar scarf is simply priceless and lights my life up!
8. Late night drives with the music
9. Swings all year round pretty much rock my world!
10. My DP addiction
11. Laying on the deck of a boat in the summer sun... With the music of course
12. A really satisfying meal!!
13. Red bulls at Area 51
14. When your art projects come together and everyone compliments them!
15. Waiting all day in suspense, then finally getting to hug and love someone!
16. Being deliciously ugly in public
17. Chai tea, and seafood!
18. Zany friends that remind you not to take life too seriously
19. Puppies, except weiner ones
20. Childhood memories! Even if they include me being tortured to tears
21. Movies that make you think, then have you pretending you're the lead character all week
22. Shows!!! More exclamations!! I love love love!!
23. Boots
24. Asian art
25. The feeling after working out!
26. Big tips when you don't expect them!
27. The turning of heads
28. The look on someones face when you give them a compliment!! Also, just really good compliments from people you respect
29. I love waking up without bad dreams in your head. Good ones I love more!
30. Glances from hot strangers across the room
31. Love laughing at all ya'll
32. Lazy summer pool days
33. Good deals, like when you go up to the counter and the shirt you have in your hand ended up being way cheaper than you expect.
34. Licking my teeth after brushing
35. MAC makeup
36. Clashing so much it ends up matching!
37. Whitty text messages
38. My ipod
39. Thinking of good memories!
40. Pictures that make you laugh for hours on end... (actually have)
41. Lyrics that make you cry
42. Daydreams
43. Stories
44. Perfect mixes
45. Drawings from Sacrament meeting
46. Handstands in church skirts
47. Dancing to crazy music whilst you get ready for the day... date, whatever!! I love more when Kuch is there too and we make everyone late!!

That should suffice for now. But there are millions more. Happy Valentine's day!!

Album: Magnet, The Tourniquet

Hearts!!

Caught

2006-02-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

Conflict, for me at least usually leads me to a whole lot of self reflection. But when does your mind say "slow down, too much, you're wearing me out lady?!" I'll tell you when.... When you lay in bed (or hot tub) and turn on your music to try and distract you from your thoughts (knowing all too well that it only brings more to the surface, but you do it anyhow.) All of your favorite songs play and suddenly all of these beloved melodies you know as well as the back of your hand start mutating and having all these different meanings that you've never thought of before. All the things you've come to rely on play a giant prank on your sorry ass and leave you abandoned! Everything you are soooo sure of begins to smudge.... then smear. And you're not sure of anything or anyone anymore and despite the sleeping pills you're left to plan a whole new life for yourself! It's exhausting!

I went to this churchy thing with my big sis tonight. The speaker said that he'd always ask three things before giving a blessing, or interpretting it or something.... 1. What are you good at, or could become really good at? 2. What do you love to do? 3. What could you love to do that would make you money? Or something along those lines....
I got a sick feeling in my stomach.

Song: Elizabeth, you were born to play that part, Ryan Adams

"I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out, I'm caught in a dream, I'm caught in an endless dream."

I'm pretty sure this Elizabeth person died... but I love these lyrics. I'm a daydreamer by trade. It sure sucks to wake up, real life's a bitch and people never follow through...

.... But Ryan soooo rocks me.

Leave it to Luck

2006-02-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

I've recently been going through this mid-life (assuming I only live til I'm 50ish) creativity crisis!! This wave of panic has preceeded a week of posing and basically me being a huge artistic wannabe. Since then I've shoved a bunch of stuff in a decorative birdcage and have insisted that it's genius while my roommate just stares and proclaims that it looks terribly out of place, says she doesn't get it... Also I'm pretty sure that I stopped myself from spending 60 dollars on tiny frames today. What has gotten into me? I'm loosing a sense of self worth I think. And as I was shoving old dirty window frames coated in leaves, snow and splinters into the back seat of my car at 2am, I realized that I'm half of my father (maybe more)... I imagined him doing this identical thing back in college in desperate but more importantly, cheap attempts at adding life to a college apartment just to stay sane. And I'd have been so on-board if I had two cans of neon paint and weren't held captive under a deposit fee that came from my mother's pocket. I've huge plans for the window frames that may include a jungle printed taffeta.... Hmmm...

Other important recent life realizations include the discovery of what puts bad people in good places and vice verse. It all comes down to luck and no one could possibly talk me out of it! Don't even try, my skull is as thick as...... Something big..... uh. I know that you too, have been aggrivated when someone you know is constantly living luxuriously without lifting fingers, never getting caught with their pants down, getting boob jobs from rich succesful anonimous senders, while being ugly in their free time! (By ugly I mean like ugly soul... Selfish and uncaring, unappreciative and unaware) They may lead awful lives that make me cringe, but then end up with a debt-free fantasy life. This my friend is the root of future bad parents. (I'll admit that I'm loosing sight of my argument.) But my recent offense, getting completely busted has made me think even more. I am totally unlucky in just about every aspect. If I found a penny destined to be my good luck token, I'd turn it over and find old chewed gum, or some other mysterious goo that gets me down. I don't win anything unless I've worked pretty dang hard to get it. I hadn't worked hard enough to get away with the scandle I pretended was real life. I've been humbled and brought to my knees. Stripped of my highly fashionable clothing and left alone to do some soul searching. Knowing my life-long unlucky streak I should have known it would eventually come. And on some level I think I did. I didn't care, I lived in the frivals of freedom and youth. But now I might be left with nothing more than the memories in a mansion that fell from the sky. (you with me?) So, my point, the unlucky get what comes around. Don't take risks and don't believe in Karma, be honest in your dealings and if you aren't make sure you cover all your tracks.

I don't think I'm a bad person but I admit that I'm confused. And a lot of the time I can't see the wrong in things that seem right at the time.

Or vice verse.....My roommate has a motoX shirt on.....

Song: Something to do with my hands, Her Space Holiday

You know it kills me to see such a pretty girl so tired
You've got your mother's cheekbones and your father's crooked smile
Forget all those places that you've never really been
And all those situations you somehow found yourself in
Let your body sink into me
Like your favorite memory
Like a line of poetry
Or a fucking fit of honesty
I'll do my best to keep you, keep you sleepy as the south
With my old watch on your wrist
And my thumbs inside your mouth
Suck on my fingertips until you kill all my prints
So your boyfriend has no clue
Of how much I've been touching you

My problem with me is my problem with you
It doesn't take much
For me to come unglued
I put my headphones on
And hear your favorite songs
And it kills me to know
That this won't be one of them

You know it saves me to think even for a little while
I owned the set of shoulders that you came to rely on
Like in that movie theater when you whispered in my ear
I almost didn't make it
This has been my hardest year
Your job is killing you faster than a cancer could
So now you're giving up like they always said you would
You've got that old map out now and you found the farthest town
You hope that if you're lucky this is where you'll settle down
I don't care where you move
I don't care if it's far
All that I ask is that I know where you are
In case our timing is right
In case you need more from me
Than a bit of advice
Or a tongue full of sympathy

Let's be honest... If you know me, there is no explanation required. I am who I am.

Trouble in the OC

2006-01-10T16:50:00.000-07:00

My life has turned into what would be a really great episode of Laguna Beach. For those that don't know what I'm talking about, Laguna Beach is this hit on MTV of high school, ok one more time HIGH SCHOOL kid's dramatized lives. I'm an adult now, shouldn't drama be replaced by ordinary old maturity and communication? And I never did do much of the whole drama thing in HS.

Ronny writes about cake.... I've got a couple of slices on my hands as well, one I want to lick the frosting off and leave the dry, tasteless, and may I say blank mass of the rest lying on the platter. Then there is another piece, it looks as though clipped from a magazine. Unfortunately for me I've already eaten a huge dinner and want to leave it and come back later... Plus before then I'll probably be snacking on various goodies... Unfair? Life is unfair and I'm stuck in a state of confusion. I'm waiting for someone to come along and rock me hard enough to realize what I really need and want! For now I'm stuck with empty carbs and comfort food. And along with my dear friend I too think I need to swear off cake for awhile.

With that I've got to start off on that crickety, wobbley old bridge that's a hundred years old that could possibly break underneath my feet any second, making me regret any past decision I make about cake, life or any other snack foods at that. As I tumble to my death (aka life of misery and affliction) I'll think of you!

Song: Portions for foxes, Rilo Kiley

Vistit myspace and watch the video... "Baby, I'm bad news!" Ain't that the truth?

The obvious choice: New Year's Resolutions

2006-01-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

Ultimately my New Year's celebration was great. New Year's always seems to be somewhat of a let down, so much hype involved, never quite a big enough party, fun enough plans. But I was completely satisfied with my new year. (Oh yeah, Christmas was great too.... No complaints there.) I went up to the Jazz game with my boys (including Corbin, Matt, Ted and CJ.) We all know I don't do sporting events as well as the next girl, but being there with friends was fun. I think I had more fun laughing at how excited they got about it then actually watching the game. The players were so small from where we were siting.... I did notice how terrible the Jazz dancers were however, but they were hot so I guess that's cool? Anyhow, we hit a Chili's on the way home then I let the men be off to the UVSC dance on their own. I then took off to a friend's were two of my favorite girls were, I stole one of them, Tawny. We hit Giff's for a little dance party with Fran and Rach. About 20 seconds before the clock struck 12 we decided to run to see the ball drop. We set off in a dead run, I couldn't keep up with long legs track runner Tawny especially considering I haven't worked out for longer than I choose to admit. But we cased the four blocks with no countdown time to spare. Besides my heaving chest, gasping attempts for breath and uncontrollable urge to hurl, we all enjoyed the glorious fireworks together as a slightly odd group. I was happy with it! I didn't get a kiss, but then again I wasn't hoping for one either. Satisfactory. The remainder of the night, or morning shall we say was filled with delicious superficial conversation back at Andrew's and dramatized stories. Good music too. Dancing and pics at Giff's. And a slightly uncomfortable but enjoyable time at a strangers with a mix of half friends, half new people. I then saved Corbin from the UVSC dance which he obviously wasn't sufficiently prepared for (the lap dances I've been giving him haven't payed off.) Then I hit the sack while nursing a larger than life headache. Corb spent some time on the couch but didn't fail to scare the living daylights out of me when poking in along with Ted and Matt to say goodbye at 4 a.m. All in all, good times.

We all write them..... and break them, but here they are anyhow.... my NYR's
1. Make and start a 5 year plan. It's time to get serious about life.
2. Get my body healthy enough to start working out regularly again.
3. Discover and develop some new talents, I'm getting boring.
4. Buy every CD ever made that I like and want.
5. Give more people a chance, don't start with hate, start with nothing.
6. Save money to travel (back East)
7. Finish every book I start, including BOM

To comemorate 2005? I'll just say that the months have been blurred together like the colors in a first grader's watercolor painting. It's been an interesting year. I've learned a ton, some things the hard way. But the biggest regret is that fact that I'm finishing the year without a huge feeling of accomplishment, hence the new goals. To 2006, raise your glass!!

Song: 7/4 (shoreline), Broken Social Scene

I already own one album, but didn't go wrong when purchasing the second at the clearance sale at Media Play. I've really dig their artistic "Post Rock" style. Beautiful mix of slurred lyrics and eerie melodies, with it's share of snare drums and unpredictability. Not quite as obstract as, say Radiohead, but thouroghly enjoyable and worth a listen. Plus the inside cover says "We hate your hate."

Blast from the past

2005-12-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

What will I ever do when all my current friends earn degrees and and move away forever??? I won't be able to manage. I always get really attached to people, friends mostly. I hate saying goodbye more than anything in the whole world!! I ate with Rachel Lee the other day and this hit me very hard! I don't wanna give up any of these important ties and bonds and don't think I should have to. Chris, we WILL be friends forever even if I have to become a crazy stalker girl in the bushes.

I'm a giant ball of mixed emotions these last couple days. I feel like I'm revisiting my old life, I sit here and stare and millions of things are running in and out. Don't do drugs, just have a missionary come home, that's all I'm going to say because I promised myself and everyone else that I'd give it time. That's what I'm prepared to do, hold on for the updates...

Christmas will be here in like two seconds!! I am just about finished with less than nothing left in my change purse. I have high hopes that someone famous and giving will saunter into Los tomorrow and ask if there might be any small blonde girls that might serve them? I'll fit the description to a T, they'll be so pleased and leave me a large tip along with a business card with a phone number on it. I decide to call it a few days later because the curiousity is just eating at me!! The rest pretty much goes like the end of Willy Wonka, you know, the leave everything to me and I'm set for life blah, blah, blah. Ps, instead of candy, it's some magnificent shoe factory or something as equally inticing.

That's what I do these days instead of face facts, daydream.... The imagination is a beautiful thing!!

Song: Under Pressure, Queen

I didn't go to 80's night which I'm fine with.... The rest I'm sure you can figure out. Night

A Tribute

2005-12-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

At this moment I'm in complete shock and hystaria.... I come home and enter my apartment to find it empty, not that I want anyone here, as much as I love my roommates, they couldn't begin to make me feel better or understand, no one can actually. I don't know what else to do, so I write and hope this somehow eases my mind and captures my pain.....

We met Sabo and Randy when we first moved into my place a year and a half ago.... They were our first friends here and we were all inseperable immediately. (Just so you know, no one died but I'm upset and it'll sound that way if I want to over dramatize!!!) We practically lived in one anothers apartments!!! We had sleep overs, hung out til all hours of the night, day, told ALL of our deep dark secrets (granted theirs were lots better... deeper and darker) whatever! Anyhow, Sabo and I got especially close for some reason and I scan back to memories that just make me laugh...then cry. This time last year is when we would go on numerous group dates, I recall a work Christmas party where I was silent most the night, mostly because he's such a social outgoing person and HAD to make the rounds and talk to every person in the room. ..... We all went up to see the lights in Salt Lake, he was prancing about singing and teasing me the whole time, then we went to Borders and spent hours with the music. Denny's, he always would play like he was going to kiss me just to get the reaction out me, so I said "hey Sab please kiss me!!!" He had nothing to say, "No, stop it you're taking all the fun out of it!!!" I kept bugging him and he finally consented. He looked so stupid as I just laughed, then he laughed, I guess one of those things you had to be there for..... We all went ice skating, for some reason we were running all around the city hand in hand. Movies til late, we got some cute pics etc. etc. .... These are just a few of the random memories that the snow is making me remember.

What I love most about this kid is that he knows how to be a real friend and remains to be so to me. No one I'd call before him for any favor, anytime I needed a thing. He was here everytime I was sick, he'd lay with me for hours, he was the first one there when I got in my accident and was scared to death. He'd be the first to call with boy problems, and he'd always offer to start a fight on my behalf. We used to skip classes and go to just Sacrament Meeting. I stay at his place and fall asleep to him watching football on Sunday afternoons. No one tells a dirty joke like him. I've never squeezed anyone so hard during a scary movie, I was literally wrapped around his body with my stilettos pinned into his leg, he didn't care... That night we almost drove to Vegas to get married just to keep our words!!! Last Valentine's day I was upset and they found me in the parking lot, they brought me up to my place to find a giant blown up monkey in my living room, it took up the whole room!!! The texts through-out the day read "Will you pet my monkey? Will you kiss my monkey's head?" He'd help me study for Human Sexuality until morning literally, quizzing me over and over (well it was Human Sexuality, his specialty) Him in my spanky pants on Halloween... Oh gosh, there are too many. He's one of the closest things I can call to family (besides my real family obviously) and because he doesn't really have one he'd agree. (PS, I'm not in love, I know that's what this is sounding like, I'm just trying to capture how close we'all were k?) Randy would always send me into his room to have talks with him claiming that I was the only one he'd listen to or cared what I thought.....

I got his call today as I was driving.... He'll be in prison for 3 to life.... If you know me, you know why and I don't think it's important to dwell on at this time. But he's gone Friday. Tears immediately swelled in my eyes and we both sat and cried together on the phone for a bit..... I'm so scared I don't even know how to describe. I can't say good-bye to this kid!!! Who's going to watch out for me and beat up all the boys that hurt my feelings and play with my hair when I'm sick. He's been everything that a friend should be in spite of his own trials he's had to deal with. And it makes me absolutely sick that I can't do a single thing. I feel like garbage that I'm selfishly thinking of my loss with him, he doesn't have family, we're his family.

What do I do? This is not real... Take me to the bar, my medication is not near powerful enough to take any sort of edge off....If I were going to prison he'd risk everything and somehow break me out! I know it.

Song: Make up, Elefant

We used to play to this song, we loved it!!!! It's happy and energetic which he always is. No one puts me in a better mode I'll tell you that.

Love me don't leave me

2005-12-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

Today my sister found out that she is having a little baby girl! This defies any trust that we had in my mother's needle. But I'm stoked nevertheless. We were all expecting our first little nephew. Syd and Madi will have another little cous!!!

Next week is finals, how excited am I to be done with school?! I figure I've got 2 out of 4. Unless my zainy little Finance professor pulls some impossible test from nowhere. He's insane and his class is the most unstructured course I've ever taken. I've learned quite a bit though.

For like 4 days now I've been completely nostalgic, I feel like I'm in a daze 100 percent of the time. It's the wierdest feeling.

Along with my song, I've gotta note that I've also been obsessed with The Royal Tenenbaums. It's the most amazing movie ever made. Enjoy Ciao.

Song: Skeleton Jar, Youth Group

A friend asked me the other day to explain what I meant when I posted "I hate you for liking me." (we love myspace, hate it acutally) Here I am to explain. This is actually from the song Skeleton Jar by lovely Youth Group.

Skeleton Jar

I feel like hell, you feel like dancing.
You know this bar curtains a world.
Those empty bottles, like sentinals,
stand guard in the morning sun.

Then the lights go down and all the
people gather round and you
feel you are a skeleton jar
oh yeah.

Be like the brother I never had,
be like the real son to my dad.
How can you stand there and
watch this scene. I hate you for
liking me.

Why am I so miserable if these
are the best years of my life
goes by like a train I just missed
out on being part of the community
"don't go just stay with me" were
all that they heard from me.

Love me don't leave me just stay
with me don't leave me I've never
known another who could just please
me the way that you please me
don't go just stay with don't go
just stay with were all they heard from me.

I adore these lyrics because they so perfectly articulate my soul lately.... I feel like I'm going through this great learning phase in life. Bitterness and depression come along with this unfortunately. But I'm one of those people that think people are put in your life for a reason. And I'm so lucky in the sense that I've got tons of people to lean on as I test the waters and feel completely discontent with myself. You all don't realize how much our talks and descussions of life effect me and my way of thinking. I'm been blessed with wise friends and family. For instance, just now a friend just popped in who I haven't seen in ages and we sat and talked for 2 hours, he said all the right things that I needed to hear.

"I hate you for liking me." A lot of the excuses I have for not dating or getting close to certain people is simply because I don't really love who I am right now. I don't hate who I am either, can I claim indifference? I just don't feel comfortable with letting someone love the not-best me. It also really bothers me when someone thinks they are making me feel better by telling me that I'm this great and wonderful person and I shouldn't worry so much about being serious about life. I know this is bull shit, just don't. I know what needs to be done, and maybe I should be worrying more! So my plea is simply put in this song, "don't go, just stay with me."

In spite of my "misery" (the song is a bit more dramatic obviously) I still feel like these are the best years of my life. I've never been happier about the people that take up my time and thoughts. Another conflicting phrase.... A lot of the time I DO feel like hell, but I ALWAYS feel like dancing!!! I know how to celebrate the good and the bad.

So, "love me don't leave me."

The Story of the Gracious Failure

2005-11-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Why am I always the mediator??? Always, ever since I was a wee child.... I really don't mind, I like for people to feel as though they can confide in me, but I can't make everyone's freaking life decisions for them. I can tell you my opinion, but it ends there! Also, I offer no official handbooks to my friend's and roommates, I've yet to write them, it'll take me awhile.

I'm realaxing mostly for the rest of the day to let my heartrate drop to it's normal level. I spent all day yesterday staring at my math book, but managed to complete 15 assignments before my test today. Well, let's be honest, by the end I was basically frantically copying. But the test is over and that's realieving. Even if the grade is an F. (I'm sinking like a puppy dog in trouble) I was talking to Karalee last night from New York as she was on a train on her way to Manhatten to take class from Ray Leaper... damn her... I was telling her that the main reason for me even to be worrying about finishing the assignments at that point was to spare myself the embarissment of having my teacher inquire as to where the missing assignments were. I was trying to find the best way do go down with the little dignity I've got left. You know like all the men standing around with their pocket watches in suits on the movie Titanic? They knew they were going to die, the ship was sinking, so they put on their best face and went out as respectively as they knew how. I decided just to finish out the semiester, do the best I could, study for the final and give it my best shot. Hopefully this will lessen the sickening feeling in my stomach as I discover my "unexpected" failure.

I cannot believe November is over. This leaves us with nothing but hustle and bustle, lights, cheer, all that good stuff til the end of the year. ps, I'm 3 weeks away from being face to face with my best friend in the whole world... I've got lots to look forward to, but this also leaves me having to make decisions about life which I hate. My motto is procrastination through and through.

Also, I've become a victim morningism. You know, morning people have it. I think my medication is the culprit. Either way it's disrupting my life and forcing my body to thrive on the precious three and half hours of sleep a night. Is that even enough to finish a REM cycle. Maybe I'll blame my "new found" failure in school on this. (Fingers tapping...) Yeeessss, good plan.

Song: Out Hud, How Long (i think I'll check for sure, track 6)

I finally found it at Borders two days ago. Chris is responsible for this one. It's so fun and goes right along with our jerky 80's moves. Put it on and dance your ass off!!!

Musical love affair

2005-11-24T01:25:00.000-07:00

I feel I've been extremely neglectful if that's a word to my blog...

It's early on Thanksgivng day. In twelve hours, all the festivities begin, drat. I'm not going to lie, Thanksgiving is not as cool as it's made out to be.

Things worthy of making note of the last week and a half:

Mon. November 15, Spoon!!! Great show if there ever was one. They had the best fake Red Bulls ever!! I was standing front row right in front of the base player, so great!!!! Shows are still the all-time enjoyment of my life.

Thurs. One of the funnest 80's dancing extravaganzas yet!! Why? I don't know if I was really hyper or just really desperate for attention but we were out of control and there were tons of fun people there.... good times.

Hmmm... Does that bring us to this past Mon? Damon came down at noon and within the 15 hours he spent down here, we managed to do just about everything we love most twice. I'm being quite serious. Chili's, movies (Harry Potter, really great) Mall, other mall, Winger's, two music stores, coldstone, other mall... Ended up at Chris' and we got into long conversation about our lifelong problems. Perfect bloated day, I'd say.

Last night's 80's experience was up there too. Although there weren't as many people celebrating the 80's we all had a blast and were extremely hyper. Which brought us to gilgal and LDS hospital. I'll leave it, you were there.

White-trash cowboys drive my petulant demeanor.... I think anyone that wanted to make my life miserable came to Los Hermanos. Keep your buck, I'm good. I'd rather save my energy for the dance floor.

I'm on my roommate's computer right now, you know when you have your itunes on shuffle in the background.... Indian Outlaw keeps popping up. And I can't seem to weed out the Deana Carter despite the fact that I've spent time putting so much of my music on here. It's wonderous to me how horrible of taste in music some people have. I guess that's bad to say, technically it's all just based on opinon right? I just know that Avril surely doesn't get me like Elliott does. It's hard to comprehend sometimes that the amazing music that enriches my life daily is not understood and heard as "cat noises" to most people. Family and friends laugh when I shove headphones in their ears and insist that this song will change their lives. Music really and truely changes my life!!! It shapes my opinions and extracts emotions, makes my mind turn for hours, expands my creativity, I could go on and on. It's something I crave at all hours of the day and night. It's built into me I know it. And I choose to run away and live happily ever after.

I cannot believe it's almost Christmas. I won't even let myself think about how much I have to do for it, or the lack of money to do so....

Song: Options, Pedro the Lion

We were walking, holding hands
With our bare feet in the sand
And the seagulls overhead
When I broke the spell and said

"I could never divorce you
Without a good reason
And though I may never have to
It's good to have options"

But for now, I need you
But for now, I need you
But for now, I need you

But it was only in my head
Because no one ever says
What they really mean to say
When there's so much at stake

So I told her I loved her
And she told me she loved me
And I mostly believed her
And she mostly believed me

Always have loved Pedro. I used to play Rapture on repeat on a daily basis. Lately I've been completely obesessed with this song. I listen to the lyrics over and over again. It's sheer brilliance I tell you, so simple but so true. It's dripping with this naked realism that you have to appreciate. So many people stay in relationships out of convenience and the comfort of having someone around which I completely understand. It's nice to have someone to report your day to and have them pretend to care, then you hug and kiss and do it all over again. Enough said, "But for NOW I need you......" Break away.

Me + Life = HELL

2005-11-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it that constant frustration and anxietous hating of all things in my life bring me to blog... Is it my pessimistic nature? At one time in my life I remember not dwelling completely on all the shambles of my pitiful attempts at success. But for me at least, unfortune (or should we be honest and call it Karma... laziness... lack of ambition??) lead me to sit on my little red couch with a mug of tea and bitch to the world about my problems, meanwhile blatantly ingnoring any important obligations.

So, yes I go to David's house tonight to plead for help like a little begging puppy... After spending an hour and a half on the example questions alone for the chatper.1 I got this itchy nervous "get me the hell outta here and away from numbers" feeling and had to bail. The only thing I can compare it to is claustrophobia.... I couldn't stare at my math book for another second!!! Why is it that algebra has to be this disgusting trial that weighs on my conscience and tests my patience to the point that just thinking about it makes me cringe and chunks start rising in my throat? For some reason I just don't get it!!! It doesn't matter how many times it's explained to me. And I'm getting to the point of realization that I may just be sitting in a fourth semester of math 1010. Either that or in a foreign country sewing things for pennies a day. But even then, they might kick me out for shatty craftmanship, then I will go live with the wolves. And after getting kicked out of the pack for lack of hunting skills I'll decide to sell my organs off for large amounts of money that will be donated to cancer victims. Who'll then make a giant statue of me in rememberance for my good deeds.... The statue will get vandalized and crapped on by birds... Oh gosh, I hate birds and this proves that there is no way to win in life. Give up now.

Song: Heartbeat, Annie

I downloaded this song because of a friend named Francesco.... (a man completely infatuated with my dear soulmate Rachel) It's just fun and talks about dancing, lately just keeps my mind off real life and focused on the joys in life, dancing, music, friends etc.... All that cheesy stuff.
Oh yes, and my racing, pounding heart!!! Due to all the blasted medication I'm stuck on!!!

Famous Amos

2005-11-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

For all of those who let the thought of attending the Amos Lee show with Damon and I last night sift right through your brain, please start regretting it now!! It's insane how happy going to shows makes me. His flawless voice mixed perfectly with the sight of his sharply cut jaw and put me straight into a state of complete bliss. Nevermind the smoky atmosphere filled with ridiculous looking old people. Would have changed your lives... Too bad.

You also didn't get a chance to experience the Karyoke with dancing asians, ooooorrrrrrr, your favorite, the night life of all of the fabulous skinny men in makeup at Trapp Door. No worries, I will make sure you are present next time!!! No, honestly though it was an interesting but delicious evening with D. After driving home completely worn out smelling like an ashtray, I stopped at one of my boys' houses (meaning really close friend, harmless) and we got in his hot tub, which topped the evening off perfectly.

Song: Amos Lee, Arms of a Woman

Is that okay with you? Two days in a row, yes!!! It's that moving. Highlight of the evening, when he hit that high note at the end of the song. What are the chances of Mr. Amos dating me?

No-men-ber

2005-11-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but everyone around me is hooking up!! I find this unacceptable for 3 reasons. 1. Lack of people to complain about my lack of boys 2. With all of these perfect relationships, again I lack understanding of my insignificant boy problems. 3. It makes me confused as to if I really want a boy or not, I sort of like not liking boys. People are trying to tell me that I need one. Love in the air is just a big fat reminder of how undesirable I am and how little I have to offer. On a happy note, for the most part I really like all of the men my girlys have been choosing. Back to my bitter self... My roommate is talking about her crush, I've heard about him non-stop for like three days straight. I'm done. I've sat still for long enough. I should be rewarded with a treat.

Is it wrong to want some random person to just come across you, think you're fabulous and everything is perfect without having to lift a finger? I remember at one time thinking I was really something, but as I grow older and wiser I realize how taxing dating can get. Not that I date or anything, jease I'm way too tired to put forth any sort of effort which is probably the root of my problems.

As for real life, I mistakenly called my mother this morning for sympathy and advice, instead I got the beginnings of a lecture. I don't remember the last time I spoke with the woman without regretting it afterward... While I hate this, I've long since come to terms with the fact that we will never have the sort of relationship where I feel as though I can tell her things without being judged afterward. We are most definately complete opposites. What can you do? I can't begin to place importance on what she lectures me about when she presumes to be completely closed minded about my life's passions. So sure that she's got everything right, the makings of happiness. While I don't disreguard these things completely, I can't drop the things that really make me the happiest. As for my dad, unless it's about my car or a mail-in rebate, we don't speak....

Song: Amos Lee, Arms of a Woman

"I am at ease in the arms of a woman, although now, most of my days I spend alone." I liked having a boyfriend at one time. I got a really great acoustic version of this song. His show is on Saturday!!!

If you must know

2005-10-29T02:56:00.000-06:00

When I get home at night, it usually takes some time for my mind to settle down... Things that are on mind this beloved evening, if you must know.

Lyrics, Brand New Colony: Postal Service, Japanese Gum: Her Space Holiday
Halloween costumes, I need some tall socks
My constant need for new things that are coating my floor
The mystery of boy crazyness and why people feel they need to act so desperately
Are people using me for my connections alone?
Although Vegoose would have been fun, my apartment feels really cozy right now
How do people make it financially?
Old memories of Corbin and I, what was that two years ago? We laughed a lot
He probably won't like me because he'll think I've changed
He's a much better person than I
What's that "IT" factor I'm missing?
How impressionable do people have to be to take up smoking, I hated smelling it on him
I can't finish books
No one could look at me like that
Appreciation of intelligence and being truely unique, something I'm just now finding in people
Insecurity
Failure, 60 percent
I really like my single life but it's taking me nowhere

The fashion show and club opening was fun on Wednesday, a bit of a fiasco to get me in initially. It's so interesting to see these model, yes great bodies, ugly faces. ??? It's a mystery. But anyhow, besides the humping latinos, good fun. 80's dancing is always fun as well. Yes, I slept through my yoga midterm.

Song: Brand New Colony, The Postal Service

Obviously. "I'll be the platform shoes, undue what heredity's done to you, you won't have to strain to look into my eye.....I'll be your winter coat, buttoned zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch cold....Everything will change."

Rachel just brought to my attention tonight that it is about a new marraige. How beautiful is that. "Start a brand new colony." I've completely forgotten what's like love someone enough to want to be these things, sacrifice just to make the other one happy. Single life leads me to be a self-serving person as much as I like it. Music always says it better than you can in real life, it's incredible that someone can write a song and it appeals to millions because they have had similar thoughts in life, the song only brings it to their attention that they were actually thinking the thought.

Fun vs. Health, the ultimate battle

2005-10-25T14:23:00.000-06:00

My body is soooo tired!! I don't know what it is lately but I'm useless in every sense of the word. I think for the past 48 hours I've had a headache, nausia, the mad hacking cough and a complete lack of energy and desire to do much of anything productive. I decide to blame this on my night life.... I need to spend more nights staying in and getting stuff done. Yesterday I started to feel like I was drowning, sitting in class after class with announcement of exam after exam... I'm burned out. I haven't even made any super cool Halloween plans yet, so someone invite me to something cool!!! I have to work all weekend but I suspect that I'll get off super eartly so I'm not too worried about that. But should I sit Halloween out? I'm not even in the mood for it right now. Everything is YuK!!

Last night was my brother-in-law's surprise party my sister threw that went really well. He got his Masters in public health, whatever that means. I can't even imagine having accomplished something like that. But it was good to get the family together and he got to see friends and what not.

After, we headed up to SL for the Iron and Wine show which was incredible. It was perfect for me. I threw off my boots and constricting dress and went in jeans, sweatshirt and vans. I was loving life!! I was so chill and the show and people were just as well. I just swayed and took it all in. Sunnie and I were a tad disappointed they didn't play "Such Great Heights." But besides that, it was perfect. At the end they played some songs with Calexico who I hadn't heard before but were impressive. I've decided that going to shows is the perfect cure for love sickness. Not that I'm love sick by any means, but I've been to three shows within the last week and I haven't even thought of a boy!! I think it has something to do with what Epicurius said. Music/poetry/art things like that satisfy your needs and are considered "higher" pleasures or something like that. I'm just pretending to know what I'm talking about, but it makes perfect sense in my head. Also, I'm still trying to figure out the point of encores....

Last weekend was fun, that band thing at UVSC turned out to be fun. There wasn't a ton of people there but there was enough to make it worth while. I saw some old friends and meet some new ones. Plus most of the gang was there, what more could you ask for?

Don't you hate growing apart from people? I consequently spoke to both of my best friends from high school today, both of whom are marriend. We don't really have much to say to each other these days. People just change so much, it's insane but it makes me sad to think how close we all were at one point in our lives. I wonder how long it will take to completely loose contact.

Song of da day: Such Great Heights, Iron and Wine (postal service cover)

Naturally. This song is on Garden State if you remember. They did a great job covering it, but I also really love the original by Postal Service. Check them out if you don't know what I'm talking about.

U.S.E

2005-10-21T13:43:00.000-06:00

The tradition of the 80's dancing was put aside for the night. Instead I hopped in the back seat with people I didn't know and took a ride. Well, Rach called me last minute and I decided to go with it, we went up to SL obviously and went to Urban Lounge where a show would be that night. U.S.E, one of the guys favorite bands.... The night started off slow, male escorts had disappeared and blended into the scene, leaving me and Rach to entertain ourselves. But not too much later Damon showed up, and from then on the night just got better and better. The second band was great, The Divorce. More and more people showed up and finally U.S.E came on two hours after we had arrived. They were so much fun to see!! Equal contender to the usual 80's night bliss. It was just a huge dance party from beginning to end. Thoroughly enjoyable evening. Real people as well, none of these overly confidant boring fako's that too many of my friends lately have been turning into!!

Meanwhile, my lovely friend and roommate Tara was wasting her time with exactly that. I was with them for part of the evening, at first very excited for her because she claimed that he was this great gorgeous guy that was way too good for her. Let's just say that it's been awhile since I've been less impressed with a boy. Tara was too completely blindsighted by his "good looks???" to see that he was a board!! Completely boring, arrogant, horribly dressed, uncomplimentary, payed no attention to detail.... She's completely infatuated with this speciman and I'm having a hard time drilling in the fact that she could do a million times better.

Please bless I make money tonight to support my many addictions!! MAC has there holiday pallets out.. eeekkk.

Song: U.S.E

Obvious choice, I don't have any of their stuff.... yet so get and party on!!

Spare keys' dying day

2005-10-17T14:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, I decided to change my blog name. So find me here from now on...

I discovered something that'd I'd always known somewhat but not really tested for myself today. Something that controls the male specieman all too much more than I had ever realized. The all powerful and mighty mini-skirt!! And trust me, it's not even that mini, it's like a toy poodle, rather than a mini anything on my stumps that I call legs. Wow. Somehow this $5 clearence purchase had causually made it's way into the regular rotation of fall attire, it goes great with boots... Anyhow, I have worn this skirt out many a time in the past few weeks, mostly among friends. But today in the frantic search for something that would draw eyes away from my undone hair and make-up, I scraped it from the floor, threw it on and ran out the door (already ten minutes late.) The minute I hit campus I noticed immediately that today I could have been wearing a bonnet and it wouldn't have mattered!! Even good friends (probably not the most respectable boys you could meet) that I hadn't seen in awhile had the nerve to stare while standing two feet from me "in conversation." Not going to lie, I smiled inside for the first time or two this happened, but by the end of the day I was so disgusted!! I don't think a single person looked at my face the entire day!! And mark my words that I vowe to never be caught in the skirt on campus again! Unless I become completely heartbroken and desperate for any attention I can get. I'm excited to go to school tomorrow to hopefully get past over by the ongoing horny men.

After making a run for it half way through my math class I made it to the parking lot and began rummaging through my bag for my keys, I was so ready to be outta there. Sure enough like many other recent days (at least twice a week) my keys were dangling from the ignition. I called my pops to come to the rescue but I was left with the animals(men pulling up in trucks with hip-hop playing) for at least 25 minutes waitng for his arrival. When he finally made it there he presented me with my very own spare key to keep in my bag or somewhere else so I didn't have to pull him away from his day anymore.

After lunch with my prego sis I couldn't pass up the music store. I'm so sick of my baby (ipod) being sick. So I bought a bunch of music, some new and some that I used to have from other people but lost in the tragic accident... I'm stoked. But let me tell you it's a sad thing when you have the inclination to purchase an album that you already own just because you love it that much!! Which brings me to the changing of the title.

Song: Bloc Party, Blue Light

"Blue Light"
You'll find it hiding in shadows
You'll find it hiding in cupboards
It will walk you home safe every night
It will help you remember

If that's way it is
Then that's the way it is

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling
...................
You are the bluest light

Aww Bloc Party. My favorite album of the year by far. I figured it was more than appropriate, not to mention ironic that these instances occured in the same afternoon. Out with the spare keys deal and in with the love of my life, music, Bloc Party, this song. I hope to never be stranded again, I know Evil has it in for me!!

Bad-day fix

2005-10-11T16:36:00.000-06:00

Got a letter from Corb today... It's actually really good, I'm satisfied and I'll be able to put issues on the backburner until he returns home. And by then I'll be way over life... However, he totally got out all of the old letters I wrote and brought up all of these things that I had said in the past!! Cross-referencing is not fair, totally against the rules. But whatever, it's done and I promise I'll stop bringing it up. Peace out problems!!

I also wanted to take back all the negativity generated by my remarks two days ago... Yesterday I had some misfortune again... (No seriously, like almost everyday) While digging in my bag for my lifeless ipod, I was going to my bro's for help and sympathy, I was at a red light. Out of the corner of my eye I saw all the cars around me moving, naturally I lifted my foot from the pedal (No, I didn't hit the gas people) ... Ya, I'm pretty sure I rammed into the SUV (luckily) in front of me. It was a tap more than anything, well tap/ram. It didn't do a thing to the chick's vehicle, but ripped my liscence plate and liscence plate holder thing? I've got a new passenger now... Uhh, not funny. But my whole point to this story is to prove (mostly to myself) that with the bad there is also ALWAYS good.

After collapsing in my brother's arms who, by the way provided NO sympathy, just pointed out the fact that it's just my idiotic actions spoiling my life, I calmed down and pulled it together. I left his apartment and went straight to the hospital. I held my niece Madi for at least 40 minutes, she just slept but it made me feel so much better!! It fixed my day completely. So my genius self just realized that somehow I need to make my bad luck come early in the day so I can get over it, then I'll do something miraculous, such as witness brand new pure life and Vouala!! Fixed. Plus I bought new music, so that added bonus points to my day, which I think I'll use to get me out of the hole from the last few days of crappy.

If anyone wants to see my room clean, now is a good time!!!

Song: Death Cab, Plans (whole album)

This is all that's been with me for the last few days while my ipod's been under construction and I'm still not sick of it yet! So it's all that I know.... Just kiddin, but it really is amazing if you haven't chosen to go get it yet I strongly suggest you do so. It makes me happy.
CIAO!!

Bittersweetness

2005-10-09T23:52:00.000-06:00

Today my second baby niece was born!! She's the most beautiful girl, tons of dark curly hair. That's perfect, a brand new perfect life. Tiffany did great and Kevin couldn't be a prouder new father. Welcome to the world Maddy!! I spent the morning at the hospital.

Later, my ipod got completely erased. 9,000 songs gone just like that. Amongst everything beautiful and meaningful, I always seem to get sat on. Never just a genuinely good day.

This isn't just today, it's an almost daily instance.

My friend Matt came over to visit, he ended up making out with my roomate...as we speak. Hormones control men. So much for coming over to cheer me up. No, it's aight, I egged it on I must admit.

Weekend was pretty fun, good times only. Fun, friends and dancing. I'm going to go to school this week!!

I heard back from Corb, not good. I'm too frusterated to analyize things, he comes home too soon.

Maddy's beautiful.

Song: There is none! It died

The Letter

2005-10-05T14:55:00.000-06:00

What is with this giant myspace trend?!! I've refused to sign up for sometime now just because I knew it would consume way too much of my time. But I have to admit I almost did today, just because there were a few friends that I was dying to make fun of. I might still, we'll see. But, mostly I'm done with these lamer than life profiles with pictures of themselves trying to be as sexy as possible. Pouted lips, next to no clothes... Don't even get me started on the naked torso guys pictures. Wow, what is the world coming to? They don't realize that they actully just look trashy, I'm sure they don't care either.

As for profiles, I really want to get a picture on here... But I admit that I'm incapable and need the assistance of a literate compter person with enough patience to teach me. The whole publishing pics online is way over my head, but I feel lame cause my page needs one!!

I sat down to talk to one of my friends a few days ago in between class, right before my dreaded two hour math block. After a few minutes of conversation we got on the subject of two mutual, involved friends. He started going off on a few issues that are more than often spoken about in our little community of friends. So many of the things he voiced totally stuck out in my mind and gave me a whole different perspective not only on our friend's situation but things relating to my many chaotic life experiences and confusions, obviously because here I am blogging about it. The point of all this is just to say how refreshing it was to speak to this boy who is and always has been completley adorable, but besides that, he just had everything so straight in his head! All his priorities straight, the right ideals (in my mind at least) and wasn't afraid to speak his mind. It's so rare these days and I just really respected and appreciated it!! It's hot!!

Have you noticed that references to the title RM have totally changed in the last couple years. Well to me and my discoveries of all walks of life anyhow. I no longer have immediate respect and high expectations of men donning this beloved title. It's too hard to weed out the good from the bad these days, and that's a terrible thing to say "bad." Many have good intentions but it's way too easy to get sucked into crappy ways of life. It's almost humerous to watch our parents' and neighbors' jaws drop when rumors get around about someone who has served a mission. So naive, they have no idea.

My teeth hurt from eating so much bubble gum!! But it's so worth it, it's my favorite!

I'm currently waitng for a response from Corbin, I sent THE letter out this week. We'll see what he says, I hope he got it by today so he can email me. But you would all agree with me, had you actually read the letter that it was a good one, blunt as well.

Song: Mazzy Star, Into Dust

This is for yesterday actually. It was such a rainy day and I felt crappy!! I was driving in the rain listening to completely meloncholy music, you can't rock out on rainy days it's an unwritten rule. Anyhow, this song came on and it reminded me of a movie. I was in this nostalgic state, you know, where you have no idea what is going on, scenery passes but you don't see it, you just stare... Then the next thing you know you're at your destination with no recollection of how you got there. Yesterday was a lot like that.

80's Rule my dancing skills

2005-10-02T13:42:00.000-06:00

I suck. No, I wrote this giant fabulous blog during the week, as soon as I went to publish, it somehow magically got erased! I was bugged at first, then I realized that it was probably a good thing because it ended up being a little more personal than had intended. And I haven't had time until now to redo.

Let's see, Thursday we went to dinner for Rach's birthday... It was hilarious we had the most chill waitress and she gave us so much free stuff. Chris and I shared the never ending shrimp. We ate so much shrimp I was sick. And Rachel Lee ordered a Long Island iced tea with no idea. Our waitress didn't card her or anything, Rachel Lee took a sip and realized that it had two shots of alcohol, ha ha!! Good times, we headed up to SL for 80's night afterwards, got there late but I was way tired so it was about perfect. Ran into Emmy dancing, she chopped off her hair!!

Friday night was a crazy night at work! Super busy, it was almost worth it. But I didn't get out until after close. We decided to hit up the UVSC dance. I can't really do UVSC sponsered events too often, I don't like strangers humping me.... But it was actually pretty fun, it was good to see everyone (the same people that go to any social event in the area). So we made our rounds, dancing for a bit, then I was ready. Chris, Rachel and I were laughing because it's become apparent that we are 80's dancers through and through!! They were playing all hip-hop, obviously, UVSC. And we couldn't do it! Chris suggested that we dance like at 80's, just slow it down, it wasn't working out. It took me awhile to get back into. But I'm okay with that. I'd rather be up there than watching all your friends try hump trashy girls. So after that, we were naturally a bit hungry. Beto's, only thing open at three. I hit my pillow exhausted.....

I've got tons to catch up on school-wise. I plan to spend my day doing just that and hopefully I'll get to bed semi early. I'm so sick of getting to bed so late, it's killing me. I really need to get serious about life. I was having a conversation with Lindsay and Chris on the way up to SL on Thursday. I've never felt so worthless. Well, that's a lie, but I felt pretty crummy. They were going on about career fairs and internships, 13 homework assignments, 5 tests in a week. I just had a realization that I need some direction and self motivation to be fabulous like that. Lindsay plans her week completely around her homework/tests, I plan around social gatherings. I plan to do as little as possible to get by and am lucky to get to class two consecutive days.... What's wrong with this picture? I can't decide why I can't get motivated about school, it all just crappy. period.

I hope you're all catching conference today!! The prophet is so adorable, I love him.

Song: Ryan Adams, Any and ALL!!

Fewer and fewer people I talk to know much about this guy. But he's a genius and a huge icon in my musical journeys. I've been completely effected by lots of his stuff. The reason I thought of him is because this guy Jim gave me a ride home on Friday and he might have been more obsessed with him than me. It made me happy that he was appreciated by someone else but me and Kuch of course. Get his, Love is Hell album for sure. Heartbreaker is killer too. "Come pick me up, take me out, #*%@ me up, steal my records. Screw all my friends, they're all full of #^$*, with a smile on your face... and you do it again, I wish you would."

I Love ya, but you make me sick

2005-09-26T19:51:00.000-06:00

So my school life is a little rough lately, to say the least. I did get my take home test for finance done, that was fine and all, but I totally unecessarily bombed my First Aid exam. Should be common sense right? Umm... I'll just stop right there, I don't wanna talk about it. I need to get my butt into school mode. I also spent half of my math class head bobbin', then finally got up and left. I'm such a good student.

I've been busy so I need to talk about my weekend. Over all, it was a good one. I was stuck at Los a lot of the weekend, I'm getting way done with that job ps. Friday after work we just did a movie at Matt's, I feel asleep... Saturday, after the longer than long game I came home and showered!! It felt liked I hadn't in months. Damon got here and we ventured off to the mall, (where else?). We put our name in at P.F. Changs, hit Nordstrom with just enough time to outfit Damon. I bought a shirt... I can't even try to compare our shopping addictions, if anyone ever thought I was bad, no seriously you have no idea. On our way back Damon had a small run-in with the hostess, we ended up eating at Noodles. Which was fine, it was good. We met up with Chris and Rachel Lee and saw The Corpse Bride. It was amazing, Tim Burton is brilliant. Go see it if you haven't. Later we all ended up at Chris' playing games and such. I got home and another friend came to visit, so basically I was up til 5:30ish. No wonder I can't funtion in everyday real life. But it was fun, and I'm young right?

I finally pick up Love Actually today!! It's one of my favorite movies, adorable. Also, the fall issue of Flaunt, I've been waiting forever. I was sitting in Borders reading forever today over by the magizines, instinctly observing anyone who passed by. Not really meaning to, I kept over- hearing all of these testosterone influenced conversations of guys, all of course standing either in front of the sports mags, or anything with a hot chick sprawled across the cover. "Oh Paris!!" Guys make me sick sometimes, honestly. Ever conversation without fail was about either the girl on the front of Stuff or GQ, stats, dirty movies or their flavor of the week who always "wants them so bad!" This behavior is upsetting and so old. Now I can't lie and say that it doesn't feel good to see a few heads turn now and then, but I'm convinced that anything with even just a little bit of boy in it has some sort of monster hiding in it's closet. Even your best friend that you've known for years... Drugs, porn addiction, lying, cheating, cross dressing etc. etc. Instead of soaking in my bitter digust I choose the company of gay men, good friends and hot girls rather than any boy that glances my way. Tara, my roommate says that I'm just too picky, but she'll hang out with anyone and everyone. While this really honestly is something I love about her because she's always going out, meeting new people, I veer away from this behavior and watch as every new male in her life turns from casual, exciting interests to complete arrogent, manipulating psychos that take up way too much of her study time. Either that or pathetic desperate messes. Who has time for this? So I choose my way. Keep good friends, hey friends with benefits are not even discouraged as long as it is kept casual. Anyhow, my two cents. Lets clean it up boys, I love ya but you're disgusting.

Oh I got a new roommate, Annie. She's super cute, this makes 307 a whole again. Also, bonus, she's 21 and can be the source of my believeable fake ID! She's short and blonde, totally convincing. No, but she should be a ton of fun.

Song of the day: Anything by Sigur Ros

Actually they should be the theme for the whole weekend. Damon and I were listening to their new album, beautiful. Good for so many things. I fall asleep to their music too often. It doesn't even matter that you have no idea what they're saying. I was playing them all Sunday morning, Tara said that it sounded like cats... They just don't understand.

REUNION

2005-09-22T23:57:00.000-06:00

So, pretty much, Karma's a bitch!!! It's a sad thing when you come home and tell your roommate about your day and she says, "Ya your life really sucks right now." But I'm trying to stay positive. My life is totally fine, just a string of bad luck and bitter feelings. I really need to start being nicer and stop being so honest.

Today was actually a good day for me. I didn't have to work or anything so that's always a plus. I woke up for yoga, points for me. I love yoga so much, it's great to start your day with. The hard thing is convincing yourself every morning that that is actually the case. Mornings literally hurt for me. That's the only bad thing about not living with my folks, my dad used to come in daily and drag my butt out of bed. Anyhow, I got a good workout in and then I got to go to jazz 5 tonight which was amazing and is always so theraputic. The combo Alesa did was not out of control technically so I really had a chance to live in it.

I also got to talk to a lot of my friends that I don't always get to speak with or see. We all have crazy lives you know. Cami came with me to class, it's always good to see that chap. Her missionary comes home next Tuesday so we had a good long talk about that. I gotta speak to Ross, that's a rarety these days. We love talking about all of our boy issues. And then when I got home I got to speak to Kuch!! Now, I miss this girl more than anything. Especially before she left we were pretty inseparable. It's one of those friendships you have that you realize that no one else really gets you... So we had a great talk, got to be ourselves without having to explain every sarcastic remark or offend. She's in New York being a little nanny. Man I miss this girl.

Oh, I think my roommate Candace thinks I'm a complete spazz. I don't think she's got a chance to really get to know me yet. She always just sort of laughs softly and looks the other way when I go off on all of my little tangents. And you should have seen the look on her face when I came in and asked her if she believed in ghosts. She just gave me this blank stare, like "are you serious about life?" Yes I am, I sware on everything that there was one in the room with me, it was in Tiffany's old room. Maybe that's why she was in such a hurry to take off. If that's the case, I don't blame her.

Also, I get confused. Whenever there are family issues, there is always mixed feelings among family members. My mom is freaking out right now, this scares me to death! I tense up and my mind races. Then others act so nonchalantly. What am I supposed to think and feel about the situation? Not that it's about me... Does that make sense? Mostly, I'm still pretty numb to it. It's like an expected ordeal. The Keller's are due for another major, life endangering health problem. What's new? Let's at least mix it up a little, how about a drug addiction... bankruptcy anyone? Siamese twins or something?

As for this girl, I have a test to study for... I think. It may or may not be a take home. Uhh... So mostly I'll probably just go catch up on my MTVs. No, I think I'll really study.

*Song of the day: Beth Hart, I'll get by

We did a trio to this song my senior year. I loved that dance. Alesa played this song for warm-up and it just brought back so many memories. If there was ever a "feel good" dance, this was one. It made me feel like I was dancing again, in my second home. However, there is always the reality that I don't look near as good in the tiny shorts as I used to.

DEBUT

2005-09-21T17:50:00.000-06:00

So, I've been meaning to do something like this for such a long time. I'm horrible at keeping a journal, but I think it's super important... So here I go, this should be much easier. And if she's good, I'll even give this address to my mom. It may just completely eliminate the paranoid interrogation..... Let's not kid ourselves, what is this a dream world?

Just so he knows, this is completely inspired by Chris!! I looked up his blog recently to download some fabulous action photos from dancing and I thought it was a great idea. Semi-fabulous photos, I'm so not photogenic. There are a couple good ones however.

So I can't help it, but I've been checking my email every few minutes the entire time I've been setting this whole thing up. I'm waiting to see if Corbin emails me this week! Why? Well you see he writes me every week. In fact I don't think he's missed one in the entire almost two years he's been gone. Why am I freaking out? I'm NOT freaking out, but I wrote him an email last week basically saying that I wasn't going to write him for awhile. Thinking he'd be all concerned, I anxiously opened his response to find five words almost lauging in my face! "Alright, good luck. Love ya." I was terribly irritated, got over it, told friends, asked for advice..... Now it's Wednesday again. This whole episode begins again. I didn't write him because I said I wasn't, and I don't lie unless it's to spare feelings. (sometimes I lie about prices too) I really want to however, but it's better that I don't. I'm way too impulsive and would write something that would just make things worse. So I'm just not going to worry about it for a while longer. I plan to write some huge grand letter that fixes all things!! I really wouldn't worry about anything before he comes home but then I'd have to sit with the information and let it spoil. It would just turn into stinky rotten garbage and be way worse. Nope, I'm gettin it all out.

I took a math test today and know I completely bombed. YAY!! Sad thing is, I had done at least one problem like every single test question in the two day, 14 hour math marathon I had just finished the past two days. I always tense up on tests. I don't know why... It's way too crappy. I've never been much of a test taker. I should have just gone dancing last night!! Argh, the extra studying didn't make an ounce of difference. ...... Did I just say argh?

Well, gotta run, work awaits.

*Song of the day: Tegan and Sara, Where Does the Good Go.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive." Made me laugh so hard. I was listening to this song as I was walking into my apartment building, staring and my reflection in the glass door at my orphanaged image. (I love making up words) Wow! Have I let myself go or what? I hate to get ready. Makeup? Lost art. Wake up, a few minutes before class, throw on some clothes. It usually goes, one item from the floor paired with one from the closet. Stumble into class with my red bull in hand. (a good healthy breakfast is vital) Who wouldn't want this?!! Attraction... huh.

"How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?" Not that I'm some sad shriveled mess, but it seem like everyone around me is in this grand blissful state of life. And frankly, I just can't compete with that right now. Me and and Emily were laughing on Saturday night. She put it perfectly, "I'm Candice, I work at Los Hermanos and I smell like a burrito!"